I didn't know it was illegal.
Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
- Start date
- Status
garandman
Bolt Gun Bodacious
Have you guys ever checked out Don Knotts' wives? Not what you would think.
They are fully legal if you fill out the paperwork.
garandman
Bolt Gun Bodacious
I want Costco and Big Lots selling new manufacture M60's
You can say that agian.
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She
>> asked, 'What's on TV?'
>>
>> I said, 'Dust.'
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
>> in bed I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>>
>> "No," she answered.
>>
>> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>>
>> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
>>
>> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>>
>> And then the fight started....
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
> slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
>> proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
>> pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
>> weather would be bad all day.
>>
>> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
>> whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>>
>> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
>> out fishing in that?"
>>
>> And that's how the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
>> slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
> just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
> couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at
>> me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>>
>> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>>
>> And then the fight started.....
>>
>>
>> *****************************************
>> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
>> seconds.'
>>
>> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
>> expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
>> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
>> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
>> at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
>> and come back later.
>>
>> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
>> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>>
>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>>
>> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
>> disability, too.'
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
>> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
>> table.
>>
>> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>>
>> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
>> sober since.'
>>
>> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
>> that long?'
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order
>> first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
>>
>> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>>
>> Nah, she can order for herself."
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>>
>> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
> happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
>> fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>>
>> The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>>
>> And then the fight started..
>> asked, 'What's on TV?'
>>
>> I said, 'Dust.'
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
>> in bed I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
>>
>> "No," she answered.
>>
>> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
>>
>> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
>>
>> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
>>
>> And then the fight started....
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
> slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
>> proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
>> pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
>> weather would be bad all day.
>>
>> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
>> I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
>> whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
>>
>> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
>> out fishing in that?"
>>
>> And that's how the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
>> slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
> just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
> couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at
>> me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
>>
>> So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
>>
>> And then the fight started.....
>>
>>
>> *****************************************
>> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
>> seconds.'
>>
>> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
>> expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
>> Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License
>> to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
>> at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
>> and come back later.
>>
>> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
>> curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
> enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>>
>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office.
>>
>> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
>> disability, too.'
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept
>> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
>> table.
>>
>> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>>
>> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
>> sober since.'
>>
>> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
>> that long?'
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order
>> first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
>>
>> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
>>
>> Nah, she can order for herself."
>>
>> And then the fight started...
>>
>>
>> ******************************************
>>
>> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
> happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
>> fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
>>
>> The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
>>
>> And then the fight started..
rwj
Gold $$ Contributor
Yup... “sink or swim” early in life!
SEM
Gold $$ Contributor
I did stupid s__t just like this, always marveled when I saw stars, the taste of my own blood and surprisingly the taste of handle bar metal, The feel of street pizza as it happened and later the feel of your clothes sticking to it. Ahhhh the good ole days, Glad I got it done and over then, I know I would not survive it now. Especially king of the tree 2 cracked ribs and a broke thumb, could not catch a breath for what seemed like ten minutes watching as my FRIENDS ran away so they would not get in trouble for killing me, Ahhh the good ole days before cell phone and surveillance cameras, NO SIR I was no where near that place, Honest !!!
TomN
Silver $$ Contributor
Boudreaux, in his usual highly inebriated state , stumbles into the church building Saturday afternoon, staggers his way into the confessional and sits down . The Priest, there of course to hear confession , hears nothing. The Priest coughs to let Boudreaux know that he is ready to hear his confession , but still hears nothing. He then knocks on the wall separating them .... Boudreaux tells him " Sorry podnuh der aint no paper in this one either !"
dave@aDave
Gold $$ Contributor
garandman
Bolt Gun Bodacious
KMart
Gold $$ Contributor
When you do those things during your young years, you get smarter faster and your memory gets better.
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