Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
- Start date
- Status
Deleted outa08
Improvise,Adapt,Overcome. Gunny Highway
Deleted outa08
The scream herd (sic) round the world.
KMart
Gold $$ Contributor
The "It Is Someone Else's Fault" generation.
hogpatrol
Gold $$ Contributor
A man lay dying in the hospital
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments
between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices
over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.
The wife replies,
"Not really, they're all paper routes".
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two
sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments
between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices
over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.
The wife replies,
"Not really, they're all paper routes".
hogpatrol
Gold $$ Contributor
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf.
“Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.
“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”
“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf.
“Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.
“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.
“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”
“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
hogpatrol
Gold $$ Contributor
Final on for the day.
A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy,but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Navy Sea Wolf pilot, flying Huey`s in support of the Navy SEALS, spec war operators back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Sea Wolves, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officers' Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy,but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.....?
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Sea Wolf pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Sea Wolf pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
- Status
Upgrades & Donations
This Forum's expenses are primarily paid by member contributions. You can upgrade your Forum membership in seconds. Gold and Silver members get unlimited FREE classifieds for one year. Gold members can upload custom avatars.
Click Upgrade Membership Button ABOVE to get Gold or Silver Status.
You can also donate any amount, large or small, with the button below. Include your Forum Name in the PayPal Notes field.
To DONATE by CHECK, or make a recurring donation, CLICK HERE to learn how.
Click Upgrade Membership Button ABOVE to get Gold or Silver Status.
You can also donate any amount, large or small, with the button below. Include your Forum Name in the PayPal Notes field.
To DONATE by CHECK, or make a recurring donation, CLICK HERE to learn how.