Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
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Check your facts Nick.... Joe Biden was born in 1942 !! You've been watching too much Fox news.
Three candidates looking to qualify for a Darwin Award.
USMCDOC
Silver $$ Contributor
as in most things in life, if it is pretty, it is poisonous!
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
Gina, most likely, none of these dates are correct. It's a damn joke. If you can't laugh don't read it.
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
Subject: Confession ...
Bob comes home to see an email from his neighbor Alan.
'Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in writing as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
The temptation was just too much!
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.
I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for your wife, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.'
Unsurprisingly, Bob got into an incredible rage upon reading this email. Feeling insulted and
betrayed, he grabbed his gun, walked briskly outside and
into his neighbor's house and shot his neighbor dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and
sat down on the sofa to brood. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent email
from his neighbor he didn't notice.
'Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo in my last email.
I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect
changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife." Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that!
Regards, Alan.'
Bob comes home to see an email from his neighbor Alan.
'Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in writing as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
The temptation was just too much!
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.
I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for your wife, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.'
Unsurprisingly, Bob got into an incredible rage upon reading this email. Feeling insulted and
betrayed, he grabbed his gun, walked briskly outside and
into his neighbor's house and shot his neighbor dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and
sat down on the sofa to brood. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent email
from his neighbor he didn't notice.
'Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo in my last email.
I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect
changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife." Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that!
Regards, Alan.'
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
Quickie In the Bushes ?
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been
facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day
an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life. The angel tells them, as a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have
been given
life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. He
looks at her, she looks at him,
and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently
as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath
and laughing. The angel tells
them, Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again? He asks her shall we? She eagerly replies, oh, yes, lets!
But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head...AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been
facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day
an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life. The angel tells them, as a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have
been given
life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. He
looks at her, she looks at him,
and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently
as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath
and laughing. The angel tells
them, Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again? He asks her shall we? She eagerly replies, oh, yes, lets!
But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head...AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
This is the newly appointed Italian Minister of Parliamentary Relations at her signing.
The picture was posted in a European magazine.
Predictions are that she will be very, very successful...
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
ilvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted
to get married?"
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted
to get married?"
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Angelina, turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"
Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Maria computed quickly.
"Mama Mia !!! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Angelina, turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"
Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Maria computed quickly.
"Mama Mia !!! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said,
"Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said,
"Answer me this please Tony.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered…
"That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden.
"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Biden went to workout in the congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.
Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot , Joe."
“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Paul Ryan answered,
"That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"
Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."
"It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen,
"The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked,
"But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of champagne.
"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said,
"Yes, your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said,
"Answer me this please Tony.
Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered…
"That would be me."
"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.
"Joe, answer this for me."
"Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden.
"Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Frustrated, Biden went to workout in the congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.
Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question."
"Shoot , Joe."
“Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Paul Ryan answered,
"That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!"
Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."
"It's Paul Ryan!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,
"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Riesel
Gold $$ Contributor
Gina WHO??
Nick Caprinolo
Gold $$ Contributor
very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Irish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales . . . Wales, ya bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,"I'm so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?"
And that's the last thing I remember .
Their accent appeared to be Irish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales . . . Wales, ya bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,"I'm so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?"
And that's the last thing I remember .
Ahhhh.. Fake news.... Guess you got it from fox news... Ha Ha Ha. (Joke) !!
Boo
Darwin Awards are given out postludes.
Her campaign slogan was, “A thong for every one.”
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