Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
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Riesel
Gold $$ Contributor
NOW THAT'S FUNNY
We don't need a 'safe space' on this forum...do we???? gee whiz
rwj
Gold $$ Contributor
You know society is troubled when the members can’t laugh at themselves!
I can neither confirm nor deny that this shitty meme made me smile.
Red Skelton Stand Up Jokes
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. "
"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up."
"Congress: Bingo with billions"
"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"
"Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.
No, I’m still in my 50’s, and I still stare at girls. I stare at girls, but I forgot why …
You know, when I was younger, I was a devil with the girls. Not to brag, I was a Dickens, boy. Nothing in a skirt was safe, nothing! ‘Til I met that Scotchman, he almost beat my brains in!
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.” The other guy says, “We can?” He says, “Yes.” The other guy says, “How?” The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll put the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.” The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
There are these two seagulls, Heathcliff and Gertrude. Heathcliff says to Gertrude, “You know, I wish I had a bigger bill. I would become a stork, deliver babies and make lots of money.” Gertrude says, “No, no! Storks deliver babies. Doctors have the big bills! “
My wife tells me she wants to drive. She said, “I can stop this thing on a dime.” She did. The only problem was the dime was in a little old man’s pocket.
This guy steps off the curb. I said, “Give him the right of way.” She plows right into him. I said, “What did you do that for?” She said, “You told me to.” I said give him the right of way. She said, “Oh I thought you said, get him right away!”
There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff. Heathcliff says, “Have you seen the new cars this year?” Gertrude turned to him and said, “I spotted one this morning … “
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. "
"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up."
"Congress: Bingo with billions"
"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"
"Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.
No, I’m still in my 50’s, and I still stare at girls. I stare at girls, but I forgot why …
You know, when I was younger, I was a devil with the girls. Not to brag, I was a Dickens, boy. Nothing in a skirt was safe, nothing! ‘Til I met that Scotchman, he almost beat my brains in!
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.” The other guy says, “We can?” He says, “Yes.” The other guy says, “How?” The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll put the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.” The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
There are these two seagulls, Heathcliff and Gertrude. Heathcliff says to Gertrude, “You know, I wish I had a bigger bill. I would become a stork, deliver babies and make lots of money.” Gertrude says, “No, no! Storks deliver babies. Doctors have the big bills! “
My wife tells me she wants to drive. She said, “I can stop this thing on a dime.” She did. The only problem was the dime was in a little old man’s pocket.
This guy steps off the curb. I said, “Give him the right of way.” She plows right into him. I said, “What did you do that for?” She said, “You told me to.” I said give him the right of way. She said, “Oh I thought you said, get him right away!”
There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff. Heathcliff says, “Have you seen the new cars this year?” Gertrude turned to him and said, “I spotted one this morning … “
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
Red Skelton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas..
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas..
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ''Business trip or pleasure?''
She turned, smiled and said, ''Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.''
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ''What's your business role at this convention?''
''Lecturer,'' she responded. ''I use information that I've learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.''
''Really?'' he said. ''What kind of myths''
''Well, she explained, ''one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.''
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ''I'm sorry,'' she said, ''I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.''
''Tonto,'' the man said, ''Tonto Rabinowitz, but my friends call me Bubba.''
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ''Business trip or pleasure?''
She turned, smiled and said, ''Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.''
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ''What's your business role at this convention?''
''Lecturer,'' she responded. ''I use information that I've learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.''
''Really?'' he said. ''What kind of myths''
''Well, she explained, ''one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.''
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ''I'm sorry,'' she said, ''I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.''
''Tonto,'' the man said, ''Tonto Rabinowitz, but my friends call me Bubba.''
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