Red Skelton Stand Up Jokes
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. "
"I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up."
"Congress: Bingo with billions"
"A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months.' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them.'"
"Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.
No, I’m still in my 50’s, and I still stare at girls. I stare at girls, but I forgot why …
You know, when I was younger, I was a devil with the girls. Not to brag, I was a Dickens, boy. Nothing in a skirt was safe, nothing! ‘Til I met that Scotchman, he almost beat my brains in!
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.” The other guy says, “We can?” He says, “Yes.” The other guy says, “How?” The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll put the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.” The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
There are these two seagulls, Heathcliff and Gertrude. Heathcliff says to Gertrude, “You know, I wish I had a bigger bill. I would become a stork, deliver babies and make lots of money.” Gertrude says, “No, no! Storks deliver babies. Doctors have the big bills! “
My wife tells me she wants to drive. She said, “I can stop this thing on a dime.” She did. The only problem was the dime was in a little old man’s pocket.
This guy steps off the curb. I said, “Give him the right of way.” She plows right into him. I said, “What did you do that for?” She said, “You told me to.” I said give him the right of way. She said, “Oh I thought you said, get him right away!”
There were these two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff. Heathcliff says, “Have you seen the new cars this year?” Gertrude turned to him and said, “I spotted one this morning … “
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.