Ol’ Ed
“I failed my way to success.” - Thomas Edison
Nothing wrong with dying with a smile on your face....
Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
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joshb
Gold $$ Contributor
USMCDOC
Silver $$ Contributor
that girl reminds me of this girlRight again, but the problem then is if I didn’t die before my wife caught up with me.
If you didn't die before the wife caught up. with you , you probably would after!Right again, but the problem then is if I didn’t die before my wife caught up with me.
And it would take three undertakers a week to get the smile off your face
An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer in Heaven?"
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer in Heaven?"
MikeT49
Gold $$ Contributor
Blind guy walks into the office of the local lumber mill. "I'm applying for the Lumber Grader position you have an opening for". The superviser inquires " You're blind, how do you grade lumber?". "By smell" replies the blind guy. Superviser says "Can you demonstrate for me?" Blind guy agrees to a test and they go out to the lumber inspection area. No matter what kind of lumber the superviser brought out the blind guy could identify it. Fir, Pine, Maple, Oak, etc. Finally the superviser gets an idea and has his secretary take off her clothes and lay down on the inspection table. Blind guy sniffs then sniffs again. "Roll that one over" he says. Sniffs a couple more times. Thinks for a bit. "Whatcha got there is the outhouse door off a tuna clipper.". He got the job.
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Artistically speaking this eclipses anything I have ever read from Shakespeare .
I do have 30 pounds to loose,I really don,t care how fast they come off !
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Compliments of Dirt stirrer on Trapshooters.com
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Compliments of Dirt stirrer on Trapshooters.com
I wouldn't have to worry a bit as I would just stutter and pass out.
If that was a democrat's house, he probably had the bomb squad out checking the van after he saw the word "Republican" on it.
Blind Mike was taking a walk when he chanced to walk by his neighbor, Bob. “Good morning Bob” Mike says, to which Bob replies “Mike, how could you tell that it was me that you were walking past?” “Why, I could tell it was you by the smell of the aftershave that you always wear. It's very distinct.” As he continues his walk, he passes another neighbor, saying “Good morning Rajiv.” Rajiv replies “Good morning Mike. How did you know it was me you were passing?” Mike says “I knew it was you because I could smell the distinct odor of curry on your clothes.” Mike continues his walk and, in time, passes by an old dock where an old, unkempt fishing trawler is tied up. Mike takes a breath and says “Why, good morning ladies!”
THE Blonde
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this).............................................
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this).............................................
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
SEM
Gold $$ Contributor
Well that does explain a lot about me, HEY GET OFF MY LAWN !!!!! LOL
mostly referring to the neighbors damn CAT
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful," seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 68 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately
telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I said, "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be f
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.
Talking about my "doing something useful," seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 68 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately
telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I said, "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do...I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be f
SEM
Gold $$ Contributor
WOW! I like it, and I think I know her!!
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