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Warped sense of humor

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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
 
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
 
TOP 10 COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS



10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman (But I Woke Up With A Few)

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You (But My Aim's Improvin')

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight (I'm Scared She'd Win)

5. I'm So Miserable Without You (It's Like You're Still Here)

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night (That Chewed My Ass All Day)
 
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it,
I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass
of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
 
Monday morning the postman named Steve is walking through the
neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Jim, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman Steve comments.
Jim, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 18 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The Postman Steve thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
Jim replies, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet, asking "WHO AM I, then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman Steve laughs and says, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."
"It's probably a good thing you did," Jim responded. "Your name came up 5 times."
 
My kids are really bad at getting excited for toys and things like that. My little girl is better than my boy and generally likes anything princess (she's 4).
My son (7) will have a Christmas list that looks like this; 1-wool socks 2-to be with my family 3-a book
My wife and I have been taking them to the toy store lately trying to get it figured out. We got the toy magazines and all that and ask them to circle what they liked. This was my favorite part Christmas when I was a kid. I had almost everything circled.
Last night Cedar (my daughter) walks up and says “Dad I circled everything I want.” She hands me the latest Cabelas ad. She has circled the pink camo clothing and an AR-15. I tried not to laugh, but it was hard to contain.
 
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his fingerunder the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
 
Having now been retired for a while, I sometime have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.
 
A high-school science class is in session, and student Johnny is raising his hand to all the teachers’ questions and getting the answers right. Student Chelsey feels like she needs to put in her opinion and says, "Wow, look at Johnny, what a freakin NERD!"
Mr teacher immediately responds and says, "You should be nicer to Johnny, he could be your boss someday!"
Johnny quickly replies, "That's highly unlikely, I have no plans of becoming a pimp."
 
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las
Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His
search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes, sir, this is a union house. We observe all union
rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
 
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and, as he shows her around his apartment, she sees that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was so obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and, immediately, she was touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
Finding it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She was nevertheless quite impressed by his sensitive side -- but she said nothing to him about it.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking -- 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom. Here they rip off each other's clothing and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she ever has known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying together in the afterglow. Then woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deep into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
 
KMart said:
This is the same woman in different clothes!
motel-6-curtain-jpg.1132240


dressed-up-jpg.1132105
Click to expand...
AHHHHHH, my eye. Not both pics at once. I have one good eye and your trying to blind it !
 
The Origin of Rank Insignia
The U.S. decided it needed to create insignia for officers to show their rank and to distinguish them from officers of other countries, so they put a committee together.

Second lieutenants, since they are the future of the military, are very valuable, decided the committee. They are also very malleable, so their insignia shall be a gold bar.

First lieutenants are also valuable, but not quite as malleable, so they will be designated by a silver bar.

A captain should be able to do twice the work of a lieutenant, therefore, they get two bars.

They further decided that colonels hold lofty positions of authority, like eagles soaring overhead, so that should be their insignia.

Generals, they reasoned, are even higher than colonels, so they should be designated by stars, which are higher in the sky than the birds.

Then the committee thought about what device to use for majors and lieutenant colonels. They thought and thought, but couldn't come up with anything. After long deliberation, the chaplain on the committee spoke up and said "Well, since Adam and Eve's day, we've always covered our unmentionables with leaves..."
 
Airman Jones is at the maintenance duty desk when the phone rings: "Airman, can you tell me the status of tail number 1203?" the voice on the other end asked.

"Well, sir, the #1 engine is due inspection, and the UHF radio needs to be swapped, but fat-ass Johnson won't sign the release order."

"Airman? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson, the D.O.!"

"Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"
 
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base

"Requesting radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You’ve got radar, you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One, we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.
 
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