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Warped sense of humor

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Even his mistakes are skillful.
 
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'
 
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”
I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
 
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
 
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while standing at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: "Dude I'm wore out and exhausted. All my girlfriend wants to do is have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says "Marry her. That will put a stop to that shit."
 
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