Warped sense of humor

[blackwidowp61]

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

 

[blackwidowp61]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

 

[blackwidowp61]

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[USMCDOC]

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

so i guess that that teacher thinks that all husbands are cuckolds!

 

[Pwc]

WOW, not full grown yet, where's momma? Must be CA where fires are driving wildlife into suburbs.

 

[Pwc]

You're cleared for takeoff.....

 

[GotRDid]

Fresh out of the MP Academy at Ft. McClellan, I dated a Redhead for 3 months; she took a year off my life. God, I love those Southern Girls.
GotRDid.

 

[USMCDOC]

Fresh out of the MP Academy at Ft. McClellan, I dated a Redhead for 3 months; she took a year off my life. God, I love those Southern Girls.
GotRDid.

All the Women that have been a major influence in my life have been red heads!

 

[USMCDOC]

I once found an ad in an outdoor magazine that I thought was absolutely hilarious. I can't seem to load it on here as I keep getting a message that the file is too big, so I'll just have to give you the details.

The ad is from the Illinois Department of Tourism. It has a picture of a guy with a fly rod and full outfit standing in a nice quiet creek doing his thing. The bottom of the creek has a yellow/green tinge to it from the sandstone bed and growth. Superimposed on the picture are the words:

When mother nature calls (answer her in Illinois)

I couldn't stop laughing about it for a week! The editor must have been out sick the day they sent that ad to press.

 

[blackwidowp61]

You're cleared for takeoff.....

"MAYDAY, MAYDAY...I got the right side gear collapsed and the left fell off entirely! I need clearance for a grass landing!"

 

[blackwidowp61]

Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.
Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very happy.
Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills Out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.

 

[blackwidowp61]

This morning I had to run to Provo so I thought I would stop by Cabela's. I went in as
usual, no issues until it was time to check out.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to management and the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking, alarms and sirens finally subsided, I found out that she was referring
to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

[blackwidowp61]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
“Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher,
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

 

[blackwidowp61]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry


Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group in a can!
Leo Durocher


One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

 

[USMCDOC]

This morning I had to run to Provo so I thought I would stop by Cabela's. I went in as
usual, no issues until it was time to check out.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to management and the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking, alarms and sirens finally subsided, I found out that she was referring
to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

it's her fault.. she waited till you were naked to make a judgement call..

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]