Caring for Parents

[fx77]

If your father has Medicaid, investigate in your state the rate of pay for taking care of a family member. Some states directly pay the caregiver.
Then you can supplement with private funds more for your caring relative.

 

[NorCalMikie]

My wife's mental health is a concern

You take care of HER FIRST!!
Been married to mine for 60 years this month. SHE comes first in my world!! Couldn't have done it without her. Up's and down's. she has put up with me this long, no use changing anything now. SHE'S still #1 in my book.

 

[Old Navy]

My wife and I moved my Dad out of the nursing home April 2023. He was placed in there by my brother in 2021. We knew it would be a challenge with both of us working but its the right thing to do. He gets around ok but he has dementia so someone needs to be with him all the time. I have a cousin in her 50s that is not married and doesn't drive. She is willing to come stay with us to help with Dad so my wife and I can work more and go on vacation. What is a fair price per week to pay her. We would be providing food and everything.

I spent years taking care of my wife at home. It was a 24/7 job. It got to the point where I was about to have a nervous break down. My doctor finally made the the decision for me. The day I took her to the home was the worst day of my life but was the best decision I ever made. No one short of a CNA should be taking care of him.

 

[Scalloper]

You take care of HER FIRST!!
Been married to mine for 60 years this month. SHE comes first in my world!! Couldn't have done it without her. Up's and down's. she has put up with me this long, no use changing anything now. SHE'S still #1 in my book.

Yes, that is why I ask my relative to help out so I can send my wife on a vacation and we can spend more time together

 

[Texas Solo]

My wife & I took in both of my in-laws.
My FIL died of cancer a year later. One of the last things he said to us was thank you. Later, my MIL got Demintia really bad. She could not be left alone. She would walk around the house just looking for buttons to push. She burnt up 2 coffee pots, turned on the oven all day, screwed with alarm clocks, messed with the thermostat, etc etc.
One night at 2am I saw a shadow figure outside our bedroom, trying to look in.
Has anyone ever gone outside and drew down on their naked MIL? That's when we decided it was time to get help. We found an assisted living center for her.
She escaped there twice, just walked away. Brought back by the Police.
We decided they were not caring for her very well. When a resident with Demintia can just walk away.....
My wife quit work and we took her back in. I locked the doors in a way that she couldn't escape. A year later, she passed away.
The years of caring for them both was hard on us. It strained our marriage too.

But now that it's over, we know we did the best we could for them.

 

[NorCalMikie]

In my younger years, I thought that if I ever HIT IT BIG, I would buy a BIG house and set it up for all the old folks (relatives) to come and live in.
After dealing with MIL and Sisters situations over the years, I changed my mind. Wouldn't wish that job on ANYONE.
Got nothing to do the love or the lack of, it's TOUGH on a relationship!! Lucky for me and mine, we got thru our situations. Made us BOTH, better people.
The wife now has eye issues, going from light to dark in some places can damn near put the down.
SO, I'am learning how to deal with new things and making sure she's good to go.
Ain't life great??? We're never to old to learn something new.
Lucky for me, she still has her wits about her OR, I would have to sleep with one eye open to make sure she didn't try to "get even with me" for something I didn't do. Or maybe for something I DID DO??
Prayers for folks dealing with folks. It's a great life if we don't weaken.

 

[Old Navy]

In my younger years, I thought that if I ever HIT IT BIG, I would buy a BIG house and set it up for all the old folks (relatives) to come and live in.
After dealing with MIL and Sisters situations over the years, I changed my mind. Wouldn't wish that job on ANYONE.
Got nothing to do the love or the lack of, it's TOUGH on a relationship!! Lucky for me and mine, we got thru our situations. Made us BOTH, better people.
The wife now has eye issues, going from light to dark in some places can damn near put the down.
SO, I'am learning how to deal with new things and making sure she's good to go.
Ain't life great??? We're never to old to learn something new.
Lucky for me, she still has her wits about her OR, I would have to sleep with one eye open to make sure she didn't try to "get even with me" for something I didn't do. Or maybe for something I DID DO??
Prayers for folks dealing with folks. It's a great life if we don't weaken.

I got up in the middle of a cold winter night to visit the john. I heard a faint knock at my back door. When I opened the door there stood my my wife in her PJs and socks. She got up and went out the front door in the snow for a 4 am walk around the block. She got cold and forgot what door she went out. That was scary. Before the day was over I installed chain locks, out of her reach, at the top of the doors. This was just one of many times she escaped. Good luck to all.

 

[Knotwild]

Look around and you might find some grants or aid (why pass it by if available?) I had to go that route as my mother aged and went blind. People who work as care takers are just average people. You can get really good to really lazy. But, that wasn't your question. Around here, the companies that provide caregivers pay them an average of $13 an hour, However the care provider companies are charging the client north of $20/hr.

 

[Scalloper]

Look around and you might find some grants or aid (why pass it by if available?) I had to go that route as my mother aged and went blind. People who work as care takers are just average people. You can get really good to really lazy. But, that wasn't your question. Around here, the companies that provide caregivers pay them an average of $13 an hour, However the care provider companies are charging the client north of $20/hr.

After about 9 months my wife found an agence that sends a care giver 5 days a week for 4 hrs per day to clean and take care of Dad. This helped out immensely, now they take care of helping him shower and clean the whole house. There were a couple of girls that did almost nothing but whenever they sent a new person the boss would call wanting a review on how they were doing so my wife would be honest. So my cousin would really just be giving him his medicine in the morning and cooking for him and making sure he doesn't walk off or fall.

 

[rwj]

My sister and I cared for our father’s needs during his last 17 years. I did 10 assisting him while he was living independently in his hometown. My sister did the last 7 in an addition built on her house. He fell out of bed one night due to a series of mini strokes, wasn’t found for several hours, the result being admission to a rehab facility. The body at 97 was just too old to recover. Being of sound mind, he made the bravest/most selfless decision - he declared hospice and passed a week later. I pray to have that level of courage at my end of days!

 

[Knotwild]

After about 9 months my wife found an agence that sends a care giver 5 days a week for 4 hrs per day to clean and take care of Dad. This helped out immensely, now they take care of helping him shower and clean the whole house. There were a couple of girls that did almost nothing but whenever they sent a new person the boss would call wanting a review on how they were doing so my wife would be honest. So my cousin would really just be giving him his medicine in the morning and cooking for him and making sure he doesn't walk off or fall.

I understand completely. I thought things might be different since she is your cousin. We had a local agency that provided grants for a sitter, 4 hrs/day, 3 days a week. We had some really good ones (older) that never sat still, washing, cleaning, and encouraging my Mom to get up and be active. We also had (only 1) a couch potato and professional talker.

Since my mother had glaucoma and new she would eventually be blind, and since my brother and I are both single and were still working - my Mom prepared with a long term health care policy which included my father and his transferred to her policy upon his death. She even visited several homes to see which one she liked and once there, never said a word about coming back home or even visiting.

Everyone should consider a long term health care policy when they are young and rates are low. They will pay for in home care also.

Summary: What you and your wife are doing is commendable, but commendable not by us, but by God who instructed us to care for our parents.

 

[NorCalMikie]

Another body there, just in case.
Step father, married to my Mom for 45 years. (stand in father figure as I was growing up) GOOD Man!!
My sister (the bi***) said he NEVER contributed $$$ to the house hold finances?? He was a Tile contractor and worked damn hard!!
Sister was known for loving $$$$ and things. When our Mom died, sister called me and got all wound up about Mom wanting HER to have her house??? That's NOT what Mom's will said!!! I shut her off and she finally got the message.
Step Dad picked up a gal that was blind and needed care. Married her and brought her to his house. She died and he ended up with some Hoochie Momma druggie. Little head was doing the thinking for the big head. She tried to get her name on his house but the gals at the bank figured that out and shut her off!! Said THEY were married but could NEVER show proof.
He died, the State got involved and ran her off. They wanted me to get involved in the estate thing but I worked and was 2+ hours away so sister got the job. She didn't do much of a job so after a year or so, I had to step in and help HER get things done.
I would call and ask what was going on with the house/estate?
Never got a straight answer so I asked if she would like me to help. She JUMPED on it and I kinda took over. She signed a bunch of checks, (her signature only) I made them out and I paid the bills that she didn't pay. House was listed for sale and tied up for more than a year and going nowhere!! Got involved and within a month, had the house sold and the $$$ in the bank. Got a call from the attorney and she told him she never got her $$$. That's when I told him I had taken her by the hand to the bank and deposited $75K in her account. Thinking he finally figured out she may have been slipping a bit?
Ended up putting her in a care home caused she wasn't taking care of herself. That never would have happened if she and I had talked about it, Me being just the little brother!! When she died, I was appointed executor of her estate. Someone wanted her house so, in order to sell it, I had to file probate.
Found out that the City was going after her home for not paying the back taxes. Car license was a year behind. $10K Visa card with $600 a month payment that she was only paying $300. HSN & QVC stuff, unopened boxes all over the house. IRS was also after her for back taxes. She had an extension every year for filing her taxes. Made a couple of phone calls (as Executor of her estate) and got most everything straightened out. A LEARNING PROCESS!! Talked to her Tax man, got her papers signed and filed her taxes. NO MORE putting that off!! Got a return letter from the IRS questioning her tax forms saying her signature was a copy and couldn't be accepted?
Told them I watched her sign the papers before I put them in the mail and they didn't have any problem taking her check for $700 and they needed to work with me to get it cleared up. Never heard another word!!!
Her estate $$$ were with my signature only. Took a bunch of her $$$$, put it a separate account with mine and the wife's signature so if anything happened to me, the wife could pay whatever was needed without going thru all the BS and attorney business. More learning. Paid BIG $$$ for the attorney but couldn't have done it without him and worth every $$$. Not my $$$ so no loss on my part. Both of my kids (sisters nieces) got a boat load of $$$. One mentioned that she had NEVER seen so many $$$$ in her account.
A real learning process for sure and if I had to do it all over again, not too many changes would be made. Just finally did the Court thing and closed the Estate account!!
If you or a family member dies, don't tell anybody. Just have them roll you/them into that pre dug hole out back and go on vacation. Done deal.

 

[Coyotefurharvester]

My dad only made it 7 months after my mom passed(they were married 70+ years). He had a mild stroke prior to mom passing but I believe he died from a broken heart. Fighter pilot, father and friend. Mom sweetest person I have known.

 

[urbanrifleman]

I took care of my mom for 11 years. She was in and out of the hospital. Several operations on her veins. She fell and broke her hip and that almost killed her, well technically the hospital almost killed her by giving her a double dose of anticoagulants. Then in the end when one of her feet became infected and they couldn't do anything about it without killing her, she decided to go out whole. This was actually during COVID. So we weren't allowed to spend any time taking her to her favorite restaurants or shopping or any of those things. She threw a clot one evening after we watched a movie and we were laughing Just moments before she suddenly passed. I watched her go. I'll never forget that. They wouldn't even let us have a funeral.

It was the money that my mom left me that let me start my company. She told me that money was for me It wasn't very much. Just enough. She said God had told her that money was for me. She knew. Decades before she passed away she knew. Don't ever tell me there's not a God. She certainly believed in him. And I do too. Jesus told her what to do and she did it. Now I do the same. There are no coincidences.

 

[Pawnee Bill]

Taking care of the elderly is not for the faint of heart. Just remember, someday you too will be elderly. (I'm 75, yesterday I was only 19.)

 

[jackieschmidt]

You take care of HER FIRST!!
Been married to mine for 60 years this month. SHE comes first in my world!! Couldn't have done it without her. Up's and down's. she has put up with me this long, no use changing anything now. SHE'S still #1 in my book.

Amen.
My wife of 53+ years comes before anybody else.

We have discussed among ourselves what one would do if the other developed a very debilitating condition. It’s a tough subject.

We both agree that life goes on. If proper care can be had that allows the other to live a meaningful life, that can be a choice.

As for the time being, I am thankful I have her as that same beautiful girl I married back in 1971.
She will be 73 in a short time. As you can see, I definitely married WAY up.

 

[rwj]

Amen.
My wife of 53+ years comes before anybody else.

We have discussed among ourselves what one would do if the other developed a very debilitating condition. It’s a tough subject.

We both agree that life goes on. If proper care can be had that allows the other to live a meaningful life, that can be a choice.

As for the time being, I am thankful I have her as that same beautiful girl I married back in 1971.
She will be 73 in a short time. As you can see, I definitely married WAY up.View attachment 1571011

How’s her shoulder?

 

[jackieschmidt]

How’s her shoulder?

She is well on her way to a good recovery. Going to therapy three times a week.
And, she is being VERY careful.

 

[gdbleb]

Taking care of the elderly is not for the faint of heart. ...

Be prepared to give everyone who cares for an elderly person a periodic break. Family, friends, relatives, and even the professionals. Having just been through this, it takes a toll.
There will be very good days when they remember events way deep in the past. Give them little prompts and wait for the retrieval process to work (slowly). Good moments.

 

[pdugas]

Just went through this with Dad first , then mom. My sister and I helped our mom (87) care for our dad. At the time we didn’t know she had colon cancer but we did know her memory was failing. 9 months after Dad passed away , mom was diagnosed with colon cancer that had spread to her liver and lungs . Doc. gave her 4-6 months. My sister and I took turns staying with her . It definitely takes a toll . Finally we had to hire a woman we both knew to help. We were able to work out a schedule . One 24 hour period then 2 days off until we knew the end was near . It was very hard at times dealing with the memory issue. I had to keep telling myself, this is not the same person I once knew. I did things I thought I would never be able to do but somehow God supplies us with the ability to handle it. I was holding my mom’s hand when she passed away . Something I thought I could never do. I count it an honor and privilege to have had the opportunity to care for both Dad and Mom in their last days. It’s very hard but once they’re gone you’ll miss them . Dig down deep and do your best to enjoy and cherish your limited time with them.