Caring for Parents

[Scalloper]

My wife and I moved my Dad out of the nursing home April 2023. He was placed in there by my brother in 2021. We knew it would be a challenge with both of us working but its the right thing to do. He gets around ok but he has dementia so someone needs to be with him all the time. I have a cousin in her 50s that is not married and doesn't drive. She is willing to come stay with us to help with Dad so my wife and I can work more and go on vacation. What is a fair price per week to pay her. We would be providing food and everything.

 

[Just Say Moe]

I haven't a clue, but I would start with what it would cost for a professional sitter (if no nursing care provided) and decide from there.

I commend you and your wife.

 

[DGP4]

First off, God bless you for what you are doing. As to what to pay, it is almost impossible to give a concrete number. You might want to check what care givers in your area are paid as a reference point. An unskilled care worker will usually be paid per hour about the same as a cleaning lady here in South Florida. A family member may not expect to get as much, so it is best to discuss with them their expectation after you do your research.

 

[hoz53]

First Good for you for doing this. Its the right thing to do. i took off 8 years to take care of my dad before he died and im glad i did it. especially since the care giver is your cousin i would just talk to her and ask her what she would be happy with and discuss what you can afford. better to pay her a few hundred more a week that have bad feelings fester a long time. i would want her happy shes doing it instead of begrudgingly doing it. We only get one dad -

 

[thekriebles]

Commendable for sure to all three of you. You mentioned you'll be paying for your cousin's food & accommodations, which is obviously an added expense for you while being some savings for her. HOWEVER, I'd pay her at least market rate, because she's already someone you know and I assume you trust = you can't place a price tag on this valuable BONUS.

 

[F Class John]

We've been dealing with something similar and the current national average for in-home skilled care is $30/hour. My family has gone through this a couple times now and it's amazing how hit and miss the 'care' is for that kind of money. You're lucky if you have a family member who A)cares and b)will work for average wages. Unfortunately I've also seen extortion level wages that a now passed neighbor paid for some of the 'helpful angels' out there for near garbage level care and theft issues.

Wy wife and I joke (and not joke) that elderly eskimos on a sheet of ice drifting away used to seem barbaric and now seems almost desirable.

 

[CharlieNC]

Good luck with a tough situation.

 

[CJ6]

When my sister had our parents put in assisted living memory care (she was POA) it cost $8500 per month JUST to administer their medications (no injections just pills). The care staff EXCEPT for LPNs or RNs were getting minimum wage + $ 1.00. I don't have a figure for you, but if I could've had my parents living with us those last few years it would have been priceless.
PS .. I'm still pissed at her 9 years after their passing.

 

[PatMiles]

You and your wife are putting bricks in your future house in heaven.
May God bless you both!

 

[Big Mc]

My wife and I moved my Dad out of the nursing home April 2023. He was placed in there by my brother in 2021. We knew it would be a challenge with both of us working but its the right thing to do. He gets around ok but he has dementia so someone needs to be with him all the time. I have a cousin in her 50s that is not married and doesn't drive. She is willing to come stay with us to help with Dad so my wife and I can work more and go on vacation. What is a fair price per week to pay her. We would be providing food and everything.

What Pat said. Tommy Mc

 

[TTE]

My wife and I moved my Dad out of the nursing home April 2023. He was placed in there by my brother in 2021. We knew it would be a challenge with both of us working but its the right thing to do. He gets around ok but he has dementia so someone needs to be with him all the time. I have a cousin in her 50s that is not married and doesn't drive. She is willing to come stay with us to help with Dad so my wife and I can work more and go on vacation. What is a fair price per week to pay her. We would be providing food and everything.

They took care of me for 18 years so I took care of my parents for 9 years.
After about year 6, I did find a local care person that would come for 4 hours, 3 times a week to help (ME!) for $20.00 per hour (one person $15.00 per hour).

 

[snert]

My wife did respite care for a family when they needed care for their mom who lived with them. They would go away for two weeks and my wife would go live with the elder. The elder needed 24 hour "watch", assistance getting to and from bathroom, supervision taking meds, assistance when the elder got up (sometimes multiple times a night. My wife did laundry, cleaned, mowed and did not leave the house for those two weeks. She did all meal prep. She brought some of her own food (preference) but food was provided to share with the elder. She did not bath (supervised) or toilet (supervised) or feed (supervised).

A physical therapist came in a couple times a week to work with the elder.

My wife was paid $300 per 24 hour time cash. She is a retired teacher with extensive experience. She is one of the good ones.

This was in Buffalo NY/Niagra region

 

[Jr solocam]

My parents were in a local hospital, it was called swing bed. $13,000 per month, each. Good luck, being a caregiver is the most difficult thing I have ever done.

 

[NorCalMikie]

Had my wife's Mother move in with us. She had gone thru Kemo. Decided to move up by us? (We're 2.5 hours North of her home)
We've got 2 empty bedrooms so come live with us. Lived with us for 8+ years. Watched her go downhill a little at a time. Watched her take her last breath. Called both of the daughters to come see Nanna cause she won't last much longer.
Only issue? ROUGH on the wife cause she ALWAY figured she could have done better in taking care of her mom??? Her Mom outlived all of her brothers and sisters cause she was WELL TAKEN CARE OF!!! Died at 92 years. It has taken a long time for me to convince the wife that she DID A SUPER JOB of taking care of her Mom.
I was known for running home at lunch time to check on both of them. All was good. Even had the Fire Dept out to help get Nanna off the pot. All 80 pounds of her. Popped in, there's 2 250/300 pound GORILLAS standing there trying to figure out how to get Grandma up? Like this, reached down scooped her up and me back in the truck and back to work!! Those guys ARE lifesavers!!!

Big Sister, 8 years older than me so Me? Just the little brother. Ended up with a Durable Power of Attorney to take care of her finances. She lived alone. Didn't have any problem spending HER $$$. Good job, good retirement so she spent it!! After all, it WAS her $$$. Get down, couldn't get back up, I would call, I'am FINE!! Heard that so many times that I lost count. Everybody said she couldn't live by herself? Try telling HER that!!
Last call, not answering her phone. Friend went over and found her on the floor. Been down for hours. Next day another phone call, her not answering her door for Meals on Wheels. Friend found her down for about 8 hours. Told the wife, I'am out of her. I'll call you when I get things figured out. 2.5 hour drive away to her house. Lucky I was retired so I had time to deal with it. She's down, 85 pounds and just about done in. Called 911 at 2 AM for transport. No light or sirens. Dr's checked her out, kidneys shutting down, severely dehydrated and very weak. 2 days in the ER than off to a care facility. (company policy) Checked on one board and care facility but they didn't have time to talk to me???
Found another that would TAKE CARE OF HER and do what she needed. Spent 3+ years there, they treated her like a queen. Went from 85 to 115 pounds in the first year. Would drive down to visit but made sure we timed it just right. 15 to 20 minutes before lunch, then out of there, Sister known for being a BIT**. Warned the wife, watch your back or she'll get you. Finally got the wife. Started snapping and growling so we HAD TO LEAVE before sister fell down and hurt herself!! NEVER would consider having my sister living with us. Guarantee I would have been charged with elder abuse!! Got a call that she quit eating and was sleeping, 2 days later she was gone. Not shocked, just surprised as we had just seen her a couple of days earlier, still alive, considering.
Board and care facility? Went from $2,500 to $3,500 a month over a 3 year period. NEVER questioned what or how they took care of sister. They had MY written permission to do whatever they need to care for my sister. Also never questioned the cost of her care. This was from 2016 to December of 2019 when she died. Just shy of $300K.

Paying a family member to care for a family member? Pay them WELL so they don't get BURNED OUT!! Not sure where you live but around my area (Nor Cal) $30.00 + an hour would NOT be out of line. And I would expect prices to be MUCH higher!! Family you can trust?
My Mom was dealing with an old man that needed help 24/7. I think she was in charge of him and his estate. Hired help that would skip out at night and go partying with her friends and leave the old man alone.
Family member taking care of family? Pay her in CASH!!! And don't skimp!! So it's 24/7. Pay her well!!
Getting old sucks BIG TIME. Got a hole dug out back. Told the wife, when I die, roll me into the hole, cover me up and don't tell anybody I'am gone.

The wife was wondering what I was doing punching keys for a long and I mentioned this thread. She mentioned that none of the girls working there were RNs of anything in the medical field, just care givers. And it wasn't beyond me to cross their palms ($$) whenever we came to visit sister. Some Mexican and some from the Philippians. They were there 24/7 with monitors on every room so if anybody got up in the middle of the night, they would know about it. GOOD girls and very caring, every one of them.

 

[cbailey1956]

Taking care of 93 yr old mom. Been in wheelchair for last 4 years. Pay $25 hour all last year for 40 hr week to give me day time off. Just understand the tax consequences of health home care. Hate to even bring up IRS issues. Good on ya, Some were getting $30 hr.

 

[Electric B]

As much as she wants.
We lived with my FIL (Alzheimer’s) 9+ years damn near caused us a divorce.
If your can find TRUSTWORTHY, CARING AND DEPENDABLE person to jump in and help. And has his best interest at heart you can’t pay them enough. …IMO

 

[Scalloper]

Thanks for all of the advice and different scenarios. So we live in Downeast Maine, on the coast. The cousin will be here with us 70% of the time so we can leave home to work when needed. I am a commercial boat broker so I work at home most of the time. But I have not been able to even take my wife out to dinner for over a year as someone needs to be here. My relative is a great trustworthy person. Now I will be able to take the wife on a week vacation. My wife's mental health is a concern as we had a great life prior to this as we could go wherever we wanted anytime. We 100% knew what we were getting into and no regrets but it can ware on you.
Last August we paid a friend of my mothers $1,000 to stay for a week while we went on vacation salmon fishing on Lake Ontario. She seemed happy and said "anytime", but she has not offered to come back so that tells me the story.

 

[rjtfroggy]

I went the opposite route, I had my mother with me for 38 years (56-94 years old). When dementia started to rear its ugly head, we could no longer take care of her. Up until then she was very healthy and happy, but then small strokes and her getting mean was placing too much of a toll on us, so after the advice of her Dr. we decided on a memory care facility started at $4000 a month and when she passed 5 years later it was just under $14000.. The one who suffered the most was me always wondering if I did the right thing. She was happy, made new friends every time she walked out of her room but she forgot who we were even though I was there every other day and my sister on the days I wasn't there. She lived to be 99.5 years old, almost broke but happy and I guess that is all that counts.

 

[Court178]

My experience extends to a father in law and beyond. Thirty years ago we took in my wives 2 nephews and a niece for 3 years until their parents could get their act together. They were taken away by DFS. Then a couple of years after they were back with their parents we took in another of my wives nieces. She was 4 years old and lost both parents and a younger sibling in a car crash. She is now 32 years old with 4 lovely kids. She lives about 1-1/2 miles from me so I get to play "grandpa" with them a lot. Although I'm only the "fun" grandpa and their other grandpa is the "cool" grandpa. He has a corvette. I can't compete with that.
Then 10 years ago my MIL passed away and we took in my FIL. He was 89 and still relatively healthy. Tried to let him live on his own with daily visits but that didn't work. Neighbor stopped him from climbing a ladder with a chain saw to trim a tree. Everything was going pretty good even with dementia until this last memorial day. He fell and broke his hip in the middle of the night. Luckily my wife had setup monitors and I heard him fall. One week in the hospital recovering from his surgery and a week in a rehab center was too much for him and my wife. My wife never left his side for those 2 weeks. After 2 days of not eating or drinking and being unresponsive we decided to bring him home and put him on hospice. He slowly responded and now, although he is bedridden will feed himself and talk with visitors. Even though he was in a great rehab center and hospital we believe that he would have passed away if we had kept him there. Did we do him a service or disservice by bringing him home? I don't know. During the last nurses visit this week she asked if there was anything else she could do for him. He told her she could go outside and pick weeds. She replied that it wasn't in her job description. He said that he just wanted to get his moneys worth from her. He will turn 100 this September. His sister just passed away a few years ago at 104. So we might still have a few years left.

Every bodies situation is different and we have to do what is right for us. Being a fulltime caregiver is very demanding but rewarding. My wife and I haven't been on a real vacation for almost 10 years now. He has always needed 24/7 care. We don't do this for the money ($2,000/month). Doing it is it's own reward. I get to "know" my FIL like none of his kids do. Sometimes he will tell me stories of his youth. He told me when he was in the army in the Philippines they were training to invade Japan. At the last minute they were told that the US was going to "try" something else first. As a result they were the first peacekeeping US forces into Japan instead of an invasion force.

I don't write this for recognition or atta-boy's. My wife is the true angel. I just try to help with whatever she'll let me. I thoroughly understand what is involved with caring for others and have a deep respect for those who do it. I don't have any idea what is a "fair" pay but whatever it is I'm sure they are underpaid.
One last thing. It seems pretty easy to differentiate between good and bad caregivers. So don't hesitate to keep looking if it doesn't work out.

 

[Scalloper]

Yip, $14,000 per month was what the home here was charging him. But he wanted to be home. He can get mean off and on but his dementia is not real severe. He doesn't remember much from the last 10-12 years. He gets up out of bed by himself and gets ready for bed. Just needs someone to give him is medication twice a day and check his sugar and make sure he dont wonder off trying to go back to work.