Another body there, just in case.
Step father, married to my Mom for 45 years. (stand in father figure as I was growing up) GOOD Man!!
My sister (the bi***) said he NEVER contributed $$$ to the house hold finances?? He was a Tile contractor and worked damn hard!!
Sister was known for loving $$$$ and things. When our Mom died, sister called me and got all wound up about Mom wanting HER to have her house??? That's NOT what Mom's will said!!! I shut her off and she finally got the message.
Step Dad picked up a gal that was blind and needed care. Married her and brought her to his house. She died and he ended up with some Hoochie Momma druggie. Little head was doing the thinking for the big head. She tried to get her name on his house but the gals at the bank figured that out and shut her off!! Said THEY were married but could NEVER show proof.
He died, the State got involved and ran her off. They wanted me to get involved in the estate thing but I worked and was 2+ hours away so sister got the job. She didn't do much of a job so after a year or so, I had to step in and help HER get things done.
I would call and ask what was going on with the house/estate?
Never got a straight answer so I asked if she would like me to help. She JUMPED on it and I kinda took over. She signed a bunch of checks, (her signature only) I made them out and I paid the bills that she didn't pay. House was listed for sale and tied up for more than a year and going nowhere!! Got involved and within a month, had the house sold and the $$$ in the bank. Got a call from the attorney and she told him she never got her $$$. That's when I told him I had taken her by the hand to the bank and deposited $75K in her account. Thinking he finally figured out she may have been slipping a bit?
Ended up putting her in a care home caused she wasn't taking care of herself. That never would have happened if she and I had talked about it, Me being just the little brother!! When she died, I was appointed executor of her estate. Someone wanted her house so, in order to sell it, I had to file probate.
Found out that the City was going after her home for not paying the back taxes. Car license was a year behind. $10K Visa card with $600 a month payment that she was only paying $300. HSN & QVC stuff, unopened boxes all over the house. IRS was also after her for back taxes. She had an extension every year for filing her taxes. Made a couple of phone calls (as Executor of her estate) and got most everything straightened out. A LEARNING PROCESS!! Talked to her Tax man, got her papers signed and filed her taxes. NO MORE putting that off!! Got a return letter from the IRS questioning her tax forms saying her signature was a copy and couldn't be accepted?
Told them I watched her sign the papers before I put them in the mail and they didn't have any problem taking her check for $700 and they needed to work with me to get it cleared up. Never heard another word!!!
Her estate $$$ were with my signature only. Took a bunch of her $$$$, put it a separate account with mine and the wife's signature so if anything happened to me, the wife could pay whatever was needed without going thru all the BS and attorney business. More learning. Paid BIG $$$ for the attorney but couldn't have done it without him and worth every $$$. Not my $$$ so no loss on my part. Both of my kids (sisters nieces) got a boat load of $$$. One mentioned that she had NEVER seen so many $$$$ in her account.
A real learning process for sure and if I had to do it all over again, not too many changes would be made. Just finally did the Court thing and closed the Estate account!!
If you or a family member dies, don't tell anybody. Just have them roll you/them into that pre dug hole out back and go on vacation. Done deal.
You are fortunate that your sister had $$ and had not spent every nickle and then every one elses nickle too. Being executor of THAT kind of estate can be a nightmare.
I was fortunate my dad took the only good advice I ever offered. Back in 2000 he was very concerned that (in his mind) he would die after a lengthy stay in a nursing facility and then "they" would take the house from my mom, leaving her no care. I told him to look into a trust. I knew very little about that, but had heard of a friend who had done it and it worked out for his wife and family. Anyhow, dad did, and established a trust with me (only child) as the trustee and benificiary. I didn't understand that, but trusted it was a good thing. He put the house in the trust, but never transferred any of his investments or accounts.
My dad always thought he would end up in a home somewhere. Ironically, he developed kidney failure in 2003 and was on dialyis for 6 years. My mom cared for him. They were very private and I was living far away in NY...400 miles one way, raising four kids, homeschooling and both my wife and I working full time, opposite shifts. In May 2009 Dad got sick on a Friday morning, became unresponsive by Saturday and passed away a few hours after I made it to the hospital to see him. Never spent a day in "old folks home".
After his passing I learned more about the trust and transferred annuities, savings and checkings (he had several) into the trust. I did this based on advice given me by a financial planner I consulted. Dad was afraid to do that, but should have long ago. Mom lived alone by preference for 7 more years. She seemed content and it was about five years in that I began to see she was unable to remember things or perform complex tasks mentally. She was becoming odd and anxious. I learned she had the onset of dementia. I "hired" a local neighbor to check on her three times a week. We began supports such as frozen meals and med checks, laundry assistance, bill paying. Each step of the way mom argued. I began visiting her for a day or two every two weeks, 800 miles round trip. We looked into relocating her to near or with us but the COL where I was exceeded her ability, and she was resistant anyhow. She always said she was planning on dying at the kitchen sink, looking out her window one minute, and into Jesus face the next. I told her that was a great wish, but not a plan. I consulted the trust attorney and he suggested that I make a contract between me, (the trustee/trust) and my mom for her to rent the house, since it had not belonged to her for years. This was a wise move, because it allowed me to move the rent money into the trust with no lookback, spending down her assets for her care and not into a nursing home. I also established a health care contract with myself, which "paid" for my travel, all her medical expenses, meals I made and froze and laundry, house upkeep etc. This eased my burden a bit (I put 200K on a brand new van in 4 years) and it made a way for me to move $ off moms books into my account, where I used it for her anyhow, legally. I could have hired someone to do all this stuff using moms money (I had obtained POA) but she fought it and didn't want ANYONE in her house. I had seen enough to know that the flavor of the day caregiver was more likely the thief of the day, and mom had been a recluse so long there was no support system of friends around her to help anyhow. So it was up to me.
In Aug 2016 she got C-dif. Neighbor caught on to it the second day mom had it and took her to the hospital. My wife drove down to take over care for a week, then I replaced her when she went back to work September. It was apparent mom would survive C-dif but wouldn't be able to cognitively care for herself alone. I had to return to NY to care for my kids. Her ability to navigate caregivers was impossible, and emotionally she couldnt have anyhow. I was too far away to care for her effectively, the house was not able to accommodate me, her and four kids homeschooling. She had waited too long and moving out of state would have greatly comprimised her finacial health and potential state benefits, and my housing was not going to work for her to move in with us either.
My wife found an opening in a local rehab only 6 miles from my mom's house. Mom moved there, and after testing, it was confirmed she could not care for herself. She was in the moment pretty well, or in the past real well, but had no "if-then" ability at all. She couldn't even count out her meds.
For the next six months I visited every week to oversee her care at the home and advocate for her. It became obvious that we couldn't stay in NY and help her in PA. I did get her on PA Medicaid assistance after two months in the facility depleted her remaining funds. (20K) She has SS and my dad's pension, which of course the nursing home snagged right up. The PA benefits covered the rest of her costs. The care she got for four years there was ok. She was bathed, fed, watched over. She had to share a room with a series of roommates, until each died. This was hard on her. She often asked to come home, but I learned that once in, there is no out. If I took her home for even a week, I had to pay every cent out of pocket, and she stood the chance of being replaced by someone else. She did not benefit from visiting home anyhow. It was hard for her to remember the house. I could see she pined for "home" but as time went by I think "home" became her childhood home memories, not the 56 years she spent married at her home with my father.
Because the house was in trust, with me as beneficiary, I was able to move my kids and myself to the house to be closer to my mom to help. My wife took a series of apartments etc in NY during those four years, until she had enough time at work to early retire and get a one time $$ payout to do so. It wasn't much, but it was more than she would have gotten just leaving in 2017.
We were able to fix up the house enough for it to serve as home base to launch all our kids into adulthood over the next 7 years. Mom passed away about two weeks after the beginning of Covid, after 4 years in the nursing home. She never got Covid. She died of state mandated abandonment. Her mind, then spirit, couldn't cope with being kept from the one thing that kept her hopeful...family. I blame the arrogant egotistical, cowardly B@$^@$ds that ran the increase of function experiments, then were put in charge of the response to thier own leaks, for that. I was allowed in to the nursing home to sit with my mom in isolation for the last 12 hours of her life. I sang to her and she knew I was there. I watched as her spirit left in the presence of Jesus, and then her body stopped. She died of a bad case of loss of hope and an unhealthy dose of confusion.
Looking back, I realize I did the best I could to honor her and my father's desires. Nothing about being in a nursing home was "good" on it's face. But it was good in relation to what could have been far worse.
Because my mom and dad placed the house in trust, they were able to do the two things they always hoped they could do...pay for any care without being destitute and cared for poorly, and leave an inheritance for me and my family. The trust was closed out after my mom's death as the house was transferred into my name. I took a mortgage on part of the value of the home to "cover" the debt I had incurred caring for my mom. My wife and I now have a home that is (partly) ours (and the banks) and we figure we will work till we are 70 and retire here. That was never our plan, but I see in God's will, it is a good plan. Our debts will be paid, and by then we will (if legal then) put the house in trust to our kids so that they can benefit from it after we go as well.
I hope to go to heaven while walking to the 100 yard target backer to retrieve a "screamer" group to brag on some forum. But that isn't a plan...
