Warped sense of humor

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[KMart]

Poetic justice!

 

[USMCDOC]

Poetic justice!

indeed!

 

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[blackwidowp61]

I'll take Forrest Gump over the chimp best of five.

 

[blackwidowp61]

Antifa strikes again!

 

[blackwidowp61]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over. He dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of huge blocks of various-sized chunks of iceberg. All he did was swing that hammer and break chunks of ice, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with doing actual work of any kind. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was work all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on a bed. His arms were tied over his head, and his legs were restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[blackwidowp61]

While riding one day, a lone biker came upon a farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep walking alongside. The biker began a conversation.
Biker: “That's a nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Farmer: “Dogs don’t talk.”
Biker: “Hey, dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “I'm doin’ alright.”
Farmer: <look of shock>
Biker: “Is this your owner?” pointing at the farmer.
Dog: “Yep.”
Biker: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the river once a week to play.”
Farmer: <look of total disbelief>
Biker: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Farmer: “Horses don’t talk.”
Biker: “Hey, horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Farmer: <extreme look of shock>
Biker: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at the farmer.
Horse: “Yessiree Bob.”
Biker: “How’s he treating you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”
Farmer: <complete look of utter amazement>
Biker: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Farmer: "The sheep is a liar!”

 

[blackwidowp61]

That would be the Dog Dish Three-Step...my dog taught me how it's done a while back.

 

[blackwidowp61]

Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great, though. It provides me with everything I need: Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.

 

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[muleman69]

[QUOTE=""
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."[/QUOTE]That was great

 

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[garandman]

He shoots, he scores !

 

[SEM]

How's it hangin BUDDY!!

 

[blackwidowp61]

Dog's cuter anyway.

 

[Deleted outa08]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry


Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group in a can!
Leo Durocher


One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Back in the old days, I guess I musta been a genius! If you follow Cliffies` logic.