Warped sense of humor

[Ringostar]

On Monday I teased a friend that I was making haggis for supper. Today he asked how it turned out. I told him that I didn’t have the guts to make haggis. I kill me! Anyone else have lines that work two ways?

 

[Uthink Uknow]

I know what you mean.
The Detroit News reported “Woman murdered on Woodward Avenue. Bullet in her yet”
Where is a woman’s yet?

 

[Sparky570]

I want an order of the Turtle Soup and make it Snappy

 

[338 Mollett]

Here at Mollett gunworks we've upped our standards so up yours !

 

[rebel]

"Where you from?"- Reply -" From Mortimer, you been there?" -Reply-
" Yawn.....Yeah I spent a week there one afternoon."
The other is with Varmint hunting. Once I shot a groundhog from the rear, only shot I had. Killed him instantly. My buddy, watching through his scope said -" Well... he's dead." and I replied - "yeah, the last thing on his mind was his ass." In which we both cackled like two 4th graders.

 

[Enosiophobia]

Everytime someone makes a reference to hearing, good or bad, I cant help from automatically saying "what?"....and I keep on doing it as long as they keep repeating it.

 

[Uthink Uknow]

The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw.
The seating capacity of Indianapolis Speedway is between 2 and 3 million people.

Oh the best was on Benchrest Central years go when KJ Kelch from Wisconsin asked, “is there some place in north Florida and south Georgia where I can practice shooting my wife and god knows I need the practice.
True story and a good example of what it looks like if you don’t capitalize and punctuate. I remember this one like it was yesterday.

 

[tmwinds]

Customer: Waitress, do you have frog legs?
Waitress: Yes.
Customer: Well, hop back to the kitchen and get me some fried chicken.

 

[ebb]

Carpenter that worked with me many years ago told the customer "were slow but were expensive!" My apprenticeship instructor told a customer "we'll get it right if it takes every cent you've got."

 

[Tommie]

Google Yogi Berra quotes if you really want a laugh. The best part is that Yogi wasn’t trying to be funny.

 

[Rustytigwire]

Google Yogi Berra quotes if you really want a laugh. The best part is that Yogi wasn’t trying to be funny.

Tommie, you have revealed a gem for sure!

 

[jds holler]

A sign, out front of a tavern.

THE HUB TAVERN
Liquor in the front -- Poker in the rear

jd

 

[jds holler]

The fool who isn’t cool and knows it, is cooler than the fool who thinks he’s cool and isn’t. jdscholer

If you've got nothing to say, please don't spend the next ten minutes saying it to me. jdscholer

I love little twists like "Yes, we have no bananas".

jd

 

[chop house]

i worked with a quality control engineer that told me their dept slogan was ...

"we're not happy 'til you're not happy"

 

[Dusty Stevens]

our slogan at GE was, "you can buy better, but you can't pay more"

 

[IdahoSharpshooter]

most unheard of thing I ever heard of...

Summer weather comment : "it is hotter than two possums making love in a 100% wool sock...".

 

[Macropod]

Local plumbing business logo, "I pity the stool".

 

[Texas10]

Heard this one just recently.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first all you need is a diamond and some hearts. But after a while, seems like you wish for a club and some spades.

 

[bubz524]

I was helping a friend brush hogging and we went into town for gas. Saw a sign in some ones yard. It read

Police Station robbed. Toilets stolen. Police have nothing to go on. I laughed for days on that one.

 

[coorslight]

A friend of mine said this while I was trying to hold his rifle steady standing up and aiming at the target 200 yards away. Your shaking like a dog shi#$%g bones. I became a belly shooter.