Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
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Better yet, I'm allergic to Bud!
Deleted outa08
Jack Daniels altered my beauty sensors, more then once.
A student pilot flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys transmit instead of intercom to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware: (broadcasting to world) "Sir, I'm all f***ed up."
ATC responds, demanding: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
After a short pause, the IP gets on the radio: "He said he was f***ed up; he didn't say he was stupid."
ATC responds, demanding: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
After a short pause, the IP gets on the radio: "He said he was f***ed up; he didn't say he was stupid."
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. The panic stricken Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
humorous exchange between a female controller and a male pilot. After calling the pilot three or four times without a response, air traffic control gets a little agitated.
ATC: “DELTA 324, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”
PILOT: “YES MA’AM, WE HEAR YOU.”
ATC: (SARCASTICALLY) I CALLED YOU 3-4 TIMES AND YOU DIDN’T RESPOND. LISTEN UP!”
PILOT: “I’M SORRY, MA’AM — YOU SOUNDED SO MUCH LIKE MY WIFE I WAS JUST NATURALLY IGNORING YOU.”
AFTER A 15-SECOND PAUSE, A MALE CONTROLLER COMES ON AND SAYS, “ROGER DELTA 324, I UNDERSTAND.”
ATC: “DELTA 324, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?”
PILOT: “YES MA’AM, WE HEAR YOU.”
ATC: (SARCASTICALLY) I CALLED YOU 3-4 TIMES AND YOU DIDN’T RESPOND. LISTEN UP!”
PILOT: “I’M SORRY, MA’AM — YOU SOUNDED SO MUCH LIKE MY WIFE I WAS JUST NATURALLY IGNORING YOU.”
AFTER A 15-SECOND PAUSE, A MALE CONTROLLER COMES ON AND SAYS, “ROGER DELTA 324, I UNDERSTAND.”
This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
An old timer goes in for a checkup.The Doc asked "How ya doin ? "Great my 25 year old fiancee is pregnant .The Doc says " There was a politician giving a speech, someone in the crowd pointed a finger and said bang with the guy falling over dead what do you think of that ?"The old man replied "Someone else shot that sucker " Doc says "That's my point "
Old (80s) professor of mine said "When I was a young man I was exited and turned on by women's breasts but now at my age, waking up....that's exciting!"
Hell im a 60 year old man and my breasts are getting pretty exciting. Mike
That's just wrong!
My wife doesn't have pierced ears, do they come as clip-ons??
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, “You man the guns, I’ll drive!”
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs her gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
My wife told me “Don’t buy a gun while on your trip!” so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us. Luckily, I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend’s kneecap was all it took. I could then walk away at a comfortable pace.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
TOP 10 REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN
#10 – You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22
#9 – You can have one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire your friends’ gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of your closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the year.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask “Do these new grips make me look fat?”.
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you fall asleep after you use it.
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, “You man the guns, I’ll drive!”
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs her gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”
My wife told me “Don’t buy a gun while on your trip!” so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us. Luckily, I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend’s kneecap was all it took. I could then walk away at a comfortable pace.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
TOP 10 REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN
#10 – You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22
#9 – You can have one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire your friends’ gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of your closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the year.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask “Do these new grips make me look fat?”.
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you fall asleep after you use it.
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.
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