Laugh for the Day
- Thread starter Ccrider
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D Coots
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The Greeks Vs The Irish
Over a double Latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
Over a double Latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."
Safe at last!!!
Looks like " Uncle June" has it all figured out?
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.
Looks like " Uncle June" has it all figured out?
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn... Safe at last.
This is the story of a young Seattle college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with some geezer pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the mike and calls out "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"
She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying: "This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine! "Now give me your height and position."
She replies, "I'm 5' 4" and I support Joe Biden."
"O.K", says the calm voice on the radio.
"Now slowly repeat after me: “Our Father, who art in Heaven
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the mike and calls out "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"
She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying: "This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine! "Now give me your height and position."
She replies, "I'm 5' 4" and I support Joe Biden."
"O.K", says the calm voice on the radio.
"Now slowly repeat after me: “Our Father, who art in Heaven
Subject: I can relate to a lot of them !
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school
together.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd
to see who is next.
I thought growing old would take longer.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on
the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and
laughed... I need bail money.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.
They forgot to mention morons.
The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses,
keys and phone."
A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.
Oops... did I roll my eyes out loud?
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem
like nice people.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're
having a staff meeting.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Some people call me crazy. I prefer ‘happy with a twist’.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said,
"No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for
Tuesday.
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with
unconditional love.
Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station
without me
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds
I Hope this e-mail finds you in Good Health and Good Spirits.
Laughter is still the best Medicine!
At least Smile
I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school
together.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... so she hugged me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else....
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd
to see who is next.
I thought growing old would take longer.
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on
the way back, now I have no idea what's going on.
The officer said, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" We just laughed and
laughed... I need bail money.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.
They forgot to mention morons.
The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees and toes" is "wallet, glasses,
keys and phone."
A dog accepts you as the boss... a cat wants to see your resume.
Oops... did I roll my eyes out loud?
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem
like nice people.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed; we're
having a staff meeting.
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Some people call me crazy. I prefer ‘happy with a twist’.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said,
"No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for
Tuesday.
The world's best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail and comes with
unconditional love.
Love is how excited your dog gets when you come home
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station
without me
If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds
I Hope this e-mail finds you in Good Health and Good Spirits.
Laughter is still the best Medicine!
At least Smile
What deep thinkers men
are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked
me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an
age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin.
Well, after another beer,
and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked
me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an
age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the groin.
Well, after another beer,
and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
--- A beautiful golf story.
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.'
He thought, 'There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.'
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?
He said, "I'm NOT happy.........My balls itch!"
Heart-warming stories like this, just brings a tear to my eye...
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.'
He thought, 'There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.'
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?
He said, "I'm NOT happy.........My balls itch!"
Heart-warming stories like this, just brings a tear to my eye...
D Coots
Silver $$ Contributor
| One Condition |
| When Jim retired, he and his wife, who was much, much younger, moved to a beach town. Once they'd settled in, he decided it was about time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer. "I want it to be nice and straightforward," he instructed the attorney, "Everything goes to my wife: the house, the car, the pension and the life insurance, under one condition that she remarry within the year." "Fine, Mr. Ramsey," said the lawyer, "But do you mind my asking why the condition?" "Simple! I want at least one person to be sorry I died." |
--- A beautiful golf story.
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.'
He thought, 'There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.'
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?
He said, "I'm NOT happy.........My balls itch!"
Heart-warming stories like this, just brings a tear to my eye...
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, 'What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.'
He thought, 'There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.'
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?
He said, "I'm NOT happy.........My balls itch!"
Heart-warming stories like this, just brings a tear to my eye...
A Florida woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 caliber Ruger pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Harbor Estates near Boca Raton, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I wouldn't be here today!
One shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took. "The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!.
It makes a good case for permits to carry licensed firearms in the State of Florida.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Harbor Estates near Boca Raton, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I wouldn't be here today!
One shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took. "The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!.
It makes a good case for permits to carry licensed firearms in the State of Florida.
The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle
maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.
“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle
maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.
“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
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