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Warped sense of humor

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Discovery Announcement ~ The densest element in the known Universe has been found!

Pelosium
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
 
One for the other team..

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, (2016), I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right.

I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
 
This from my home town no less...

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Thursday, March 14, 2019 - 07:34 AM

Police launched a delicate rescue operation after they found an opossum with its genitals stuck in a fence.

Officers in Madison, Wisconsin, were dispatched on Tuesday morning after a concerned citizen, who saw the animal motionless on the fence, called police worried it might be in distress.

“Using a catchpole, the first responders were able to lift the animal up a bit and quickly determined a couple of pieces of his male anatomy had become wedged between fence slats,” read an incident report from the City of Madison Police Department.

After some debate about how to proceed without further harming the marsupial, officers managed to free him by lifting him as high as they could with the catchpole and spreading the slats to liberate the trapped appendages.

The opossum was initially motionless after being rescued from the uncomfortable position.

The report read: “Was he playing possum, trying to trick the MPD into believing this unthinkable ordeal had proven fatal?

“A couple of pokes with the pole and it turned out he was still with the living.

“He hissed a bit at the sergeant and at the officer, his way most likely of saying ‘thanks’ for the assist.

“The opossum slowly waddled off. ‘Going to be sitting in snow someplace for a long bit I bet you,’ remarked the sergeant to the officer.”
 
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the cardinals, “the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf.

“Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?” he asked.

“None that play well,” the cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope.

“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,” the golfer told the Pope.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.”

“I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some great golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“And there’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”

I must be stupid - I don't get it.
 
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