Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
- Start date
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Bob and Doris were married for years.
As they got older, they made a tradition of attending the State Fair every year.
Bob always wanted to take a helicopter ride and an argument ensued every year.
Bob exclaimed it was only $50 and Doris always said "$50 is $50."
This went on for years and always ended the same way, "$50 is $50."
After many years of arguments, the pilot had enough.
He said "if you two will shut up, I'll take you for free. One peep and it's $50."
Bob and Doris agreed and off they went.
The pilot gave them a ride to remember. Flat spins, sharp turns, pivots, dives, the works.
When they landed, the pilot exclaimed that he was surprised they kept so quiet.
Bob said, "I damn near hollered when Doris fell out, but $50 is $50."
As they got older, they made a tradition of attending the State Fair every year.
Bob always wanted to take a helicopter ride and an argument ensued every year.
Bob exclaimed it was only $50 and Doris always said "$50 is $50."
This went on for years and always ended the same way, "$50 is $50."
After many years of arguments, the pilot had enough.
He said "if you two will shut up, I'll take you for free. One peep and it's $50."
Bob and Doris agreed and off they went.
The pilot gave them a ride to remember. Flat spins, sharp turns, pivots, dives, the works.
When they landed, the pilot exclaimed that he was surprised they kept so quiet.
Bob said, "I damn near hollered when Doris fell out, but $50 is $50."
TAJ45
Silver $$ Contributor
Getcher booger hook outta da trigger guard.
joshb
Gold $$ Contributor
I read too much of this forum. It’s screwing with me Alzheimer’s! Friday at the range, I called a magazine a “clip”!
I almost packed up and left in embarrassment.
Excerpted from "Sled Driver," by SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.
Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots." (2000+ MPH) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.
Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots." (2000+ MPH) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F**K YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.
"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.
"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F**K YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.
P: Three roaches in cabin.
S: One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
P: Exhaust stack excessively hot.
S: Exhaust temperatures in excess of 1400 degrees…exhaust stack will be hot.
P: Loud noise under cockpit floor, sounds like large bear growling.
S: No evidence of bear under floor, could not duplicate sound
P: Pilots seat cushion flat
S: Pilots seat cushion fluffed.
P: Control stick hard to move
S: Suggest pilot visit gym three times a week
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.
P: Three roaches in cabin.
S: One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
P: Exhaust stack excessively hot.
S: Exhaust temperatures in excess of 1400 degrees…exhaust stack will be hot.
P: Loud noise under cockpit floor, sounds like large bear growling.
S: No evidence of bear under floor, could not duplicate sound
P: Pilots seat cushion flat
S: Pilots seat cushion fluffed.
P: Control stick hard to move
S: Suggest pilot visit gym three times a week
Exchange between air traffic controller and aircraft.
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
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