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Warped sense of humor

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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so
she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
Then, one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."jesus.jpg
 
Dear Family and Friends,

You may or may not know our friend Kathy went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift using the Obama Care Medical Plan through your new state run insurance exchange. She didn't have the most pleasant experience. She should've left well enough alone.

We wanted to show you how it turned out. We hope this makes you aware of the quality of care you will receive from the Affordable Healthcare Act (Obama Care)





butlift.jpg butlift.jpg
 
A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside..
He says in a weak voice “there is something I must confess”.
“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess.
Everything is all right. “No” the husband replied “ I must die in peace.
I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mum!”
“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.
Now close your eyes”....

poisen.jpg
 
A Pilot Father's Love...
Most people today think it improper to discipline children,
so I have tried other methods to control my kids when
they have had one of 'those moments.'
Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective
is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which
I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect
on his or her behaviour.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines,
or just the time away from any distractions such as TV,
video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact
during these sessions is an important element in achieving
the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son,
in case you would like to use the techniqueflight.jpg
 
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Nick and his wife Jane listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Nick leaned over, touched Jane's arm gently, and whispered,
God Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?

And thus began Nick's life of celibacy.
 
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted
to get married?"
 
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