Warped sense of humor

[Nick Caprinolo]

A simplified urine test that may be relevant for you!

Go outside and pee in the garden…..

If ants gather: Diabetes.

If you pee on your feet: Prostate.

If it smells like a barbecue: Cholesterol.

If, when you shake it, your wrist hurts: Osteoarthritis.

If you go back inside with your penis outside your pants: Alzheimers.

 

[muleman69]

True story. I went to high school with a fellow named "Richard Head". I never understood how his parents survived!

His parents must have hated the poor guy, went to school here with Dick short. Poor guy at Graduations and things got announced as Short Dick

 

[rebel]

Born 1965 in NC. We were 20 years behind everything then so the 1950's were experienced by me. Except I smelled pot smoke when we traveled to an urban area
( Fayettenam) I thought folks were burnin' leaves.

 

[hogpatrol]

Haven't read all of them but if this is a repeat, I apologize for the bandwidth.

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon, were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick's Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'
Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Paddy stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Paddy says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry
sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'
Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

 

[hogpatrol]

Another repeat?

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

 

[hogpatrol]

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

 

[hogpatrol]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

[dave@aDave]

There is a saloon in the heart of the business district in downtown Cordelia, California called "Thompson's Corner".

A rather fun type of place. No two pieces of furniture match, the floor is plywood, various items hang from the ceiling (including assorted items of ladies foundation garments. A very nice bar and backdrop that came around the Horn back in the day. Full size pool table in the back for $0.25, In the middle of the afternoon every third drink was usually on the house.

Never had a bad time in there. Cowboys, truck drivers, outlaw bikers, Latino farm hands, the occasional lost tourist, airmen from Travis Air Force Base and submarine sailors from Mare Island. Everyone just got along.

The hard part was finding your way home in the fog at 3:00 AM. I would roll the window down and stick my head out so that I could see the center line. Len (my running mate) would roll the window down on the passenger side and shine the flashlight out to keep track of the shoulder of the road. This was when the the cops (including CHPS) were level headed.

There was one (OK, there was more than one. But this one I remember) night that I mistakenly wandered into the ladies restroom. Hmmmm..... the ladies write on the wall just like the men. Maybe a little more funny.

There was one pieces of doggerel scrawled on a wall that said:
"If I'm not in bed by 10:30, I'm going home!"

note: I retired from the Navy in 1984. That's the way it was then. Might be a fern bar now.

 

[SEM]

View attachment 1133251

that took me a moment LOL

 

[hogpatrol]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.

A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull, he wins!!!!

 

[PRR1957]

That's no whitetail...

View attachment 1133171

FYI. That is an elk.

 

[PRR1957]

True story. I went to high school with a fellow named "Richard Head". I never understood how his parents survived!

I wrote a short story were the protagonist was named Lester Able and his antagonist was named Richard Ruin. I’ll leave it to you guys surmise their nicknames.

 

[blackwidowp61]

I was referring to the above... surely you knew that?

 

[PRR1957]

I was referring to the above... surely you knew that?

View attachment 1133292

I understood the original meme, you first shown an elk, then latter added the whitetail. So all is good, I guess.

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[blackwidowp61]