Warped sense of humor

[USMCDOC]

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[T-shooter]

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[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket = $95.00
Court Costs = $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face = PRICELESS

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

I wanted to let you know that earlier today I received my "Obamacare enrollment packet” from the White House.

It contained:
•An aspirin and a band-aid.
•An 'Obama Hope & Change' bumper sticker
•A 'Bush's Fault' yard sign
•A 'Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody' poster
•A 'Tax the Rich' banner
•An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
•An application for food stamps
•A prayer rug
•A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren
•And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my butt.

Everything was made in "China" and all directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F**K YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

 

[Pwc]

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "F**K YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Army officer tells the Sgt to take his men and take that hill, to which he salutes and replies "Yes sir" and charges off.....

Marine officer tells the Gunny, take your men and charge up that hill to which he salutes and says "yes sir" and charges off....

AF officer climbs in his plane to taxi out and the airman salutes and says "Go get'm sir"

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT MY DOG: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.
YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...
4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...
2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...
9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS...
2 FLAG BURNERS...
AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME. .

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason wives seem to like this joke!