Warped sense of humor

[Nick Caprinolo]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[USMCDOC]

 

[JayHHI6818]

 

[SEM]

View attachment 1131037

poor guy wont be able to climb a tree for a week

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

One brave Cowboy....

All Girl Biker Bar ..................

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels ..
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ....
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

Adam and Eve

One day, a little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Next day, the little girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago, there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir.

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted
to get married?"

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...
I mean,
seriously,
Wouldn’t you just keep drinking?

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

I was at the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Irish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales . . . Wales, ya bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,"I'm so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?"
And that's the last thing I remember .

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
.................................Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,'
replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside..
He says in a weak voice “there is something I must confess”.
“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess.
Everything is all right. “No” the husband replied “ I must die in peace.
I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mum!”
“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.
Now close your eyes”....

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

Subject: True Friendship - short but....

A testimony to true friendship is...
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced
at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits
and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so
she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
Then, one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" 'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."