Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
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The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
The cow they bought was absolutely wonderful and produced lots of
milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull
in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the
cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull
tried, the cow would move away from the bull.
The people were naturally upset and decided to go to the local
veterinarian, Dr Santucchi. The people told the doctor the problem
with their beloved cow: Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow,
she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts
it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before
asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that
they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
The cow they bought was absolutely wonderful and produced lots of
milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull
in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the
cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull
tried, the cow would move away from the bull.
The people were naturally upset and decided to go to the local
veterinarian, Dr Santucchi. The people told the doctor the problem
with their beloved cow: Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow,
she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts
it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before
asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that
they had brought the cow over from Sicily.
"How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
Very Good one!
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when
suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color,150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when
suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously knows more than the cowboy, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color,150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know how working people make a living –you know nothing about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE U.S. CONGRESS
The story of the stranded person who had his dog for dinner, in an emergency, reminds me of the three-legged pig.
A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a farm house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a three-legged pig runs out. He asks "Why does that pig only have three legs?"
The farmer’s wife says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.
He said "Great, but why does the pig only have three legs?"
She said at another time her son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in. The pig pulled him out, saving her son.
Again he said, “No doubt the pig is a hero, but why does he only have three legs?"
Once again she told him how the pig scared off a burglar and saved her.
Exasperated, the man again asked why does the pig have only three legs.
The farmer’s wife said “Son, you just don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”
A man is driving down a deserted country road when he has a blowout. Not having a spare he finally finds a farm house and asks the lady if he can use her phone to call for a tow-truck.
As she opens the door for him to come in, a three-legged pig runs out. He asks "Why does that pig only have three legs?"
The farmer’s wife says that they had a fire and the pig woke everybody up and then went back and brought the dog out.
He said "Great, but why does the pig only have three legs?"
She said at another time her son was playing on the ice and it broke and he fell in. The pig pulled him out, saving her son.
Again he said, “No doubt the pig is a hero, but why does he only have three legs?"
Once again she told him how the pig scared off a burglar and saved her.
Exasperated, the man again asked why does the pig have only three legs.
The farmer’s wife said “Son, you just don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”
Finally, an answer that we can all use!!
Sir, we told the marines to secure the ship, but we forgot to tell them what to do after...they decided to play 'rock-the-ship' aaannnnd...
dave@aDave
Gold $$ Contributor
Isn't there a rather large polar bear in a casino in Elko, Nevada ? Right in the entrance going into the casino.
I probably don't remember this correctly, but I seem to recall that it was shot with a 30-30.
Last time I was in Elko was in 1982.
KMart
Gold $$ Contributor
There is a very large one standing at the entrance of the Trophy Barber Shop in Baytown, Texas. I think the owner, Jimmy Carpenter, killed it in the mid 1960's with a 300 Weatherby. Jimmy went to see his bear about 35 years ago.
Legionnaire
Silver $$ Contributor
I overheard a conversation in Wal-Mart the other day. A guy was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow. While waiting in line to check out, the woman behind him asked if he had a dog … Duh!
He rolled his eyes and said, "No, I'm starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't. But I lost 30 pounds last time before waking up in the hospital."
The lady's eyes about bugged out and he went on with his diet story and she was totally believing it. He told her, "It's an easy and inexpensive diet. You just load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package says the food is nutritionally complete and most dogs are healthy, so I'm going to try it again."
By this time, others in the line were listening and completely into the story … especially the tall guy standing behind the woman who asked the question.
The woman was horrified and asked if there was something in the dog food that put him in the hospital. "No," he said. "I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt and got hit by a car."
As I left, the tall guy was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to end up in the hospital, too!
He rolled his eyes and said, "No, I'm starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't. But I lost 30 pounds last time before waking up in the hospital."
The lady's eyes about bugged out and he went on with his diet story and she was totally believing it. He told her, "It's an easy and inexpensive diet. You just load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package says the food is nutritionally complete and most dogs are healthy, so I'm going to try it again."
By this time, others in the line were listening and completely into the story … especially the tall guy standing behind the woman who asked the question.
The woman was horrified and asked if there was something in the dog food that put him in the hospital. "No," he said. "I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt and got hit by a car."
As I left, the tall guy was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to end up in the hospital, too!
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