A colonoscopy adventure

[Texas10]

What an adventure! Only thing missing is Raquel Welch and a broken zipper.

 

[SSL]

I had this procedure done in November. My prep was a couple of softener pills and two 10 ounce bottles of the solution, to be taken a short time apart. Yep, tastes pretty bad, but at 10 ounces, I just gulped it down, gagged a little, drank a healthy chug of water and was happy when that second dose was done. No, the effects were not explosive and I didn't need to worry about sleeping later in the night. Much of the turmoil surrounding this procedure has been elevated to the point that people are terrified of it. I know I was, but I can tell you it isn't all that terrible, just inconvenient. If you are over 50...do it. Beats the hell out of finding things out too late.

 

[ronsatspokane]

First time at 50 they gave me 3 solutions of low volume and a schedule to take them on. Flushed me out like a new born baby. Told me to come back in 10 years. Second time they gave me this gallon jug of a solution euphemistically called "Go Lightly". Tasted terrible, had to choke down massive volume, took longer to work than the other but in the end it works and you get the "go lightly" joke.

The first time I told them that I didn't want the drugs. I was cracking jokes like "tell me when you find my dignity" and a bunch of others that escape me now. The nurses would chuckle but the doc was stone faced. No sense of humor. Seemed like every time I cracked one he would inflate my intestines a bit more. That hurt. Second time I skipped the drugs as well but I kept my mouth shut.

 

[Twicepop]

I've had it done twice, I'm on the every 10 year schedule. The first time the stuff they gave me to "flush the system" was the most vile, disgusting tasting stuff imaginable. It was hard to keep it down long enough for it to do it's job, when it did OMG. The second time the "power flush" had an almost pleasant taste, almost. The end results were the same when it kicked in, OMG. After these experiences, I have an inkling what it may be like to have dysentery. Despite the preparation in getting ready to have the procedure done, it find it much more pleasant than what I feel this new crop of politicians is going to bring us.

 

[sdean]

I got this in an email and thought it was hilarious. It's even more funny if you know what he's talking about from first hand experience.


ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


ColonoscopyJournal:

I called my friend Andy Sable , a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrepis a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space a and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.



At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andyhad me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

How would you have liked to be the first person ever got one.. Wonder how big the camera was back then??

 

[snakepit]

Should be my one and only experience with this.

Is that what the doctor told you? After 50 my doctor said to do one every 5 years unless they find cancer and then it may be more often. The prep may be bad but the chemo is worse. I know from experience.

 

[3Sigma]

To all reading... do it.

I had my first last year at 40. Mom has UC, mom's mom had colon cancer, dad had colon cancer and a colectomy 3 years ago. High risk to say the least.

Found a couple of benign polyps, so I get the pleasure every 5 years from here on out. FWIW, I'm otherwise very healthy with good numbers across the board.

CC is easy to detect, but if it gets you, it gets you good. I might not have my dad around if he would have waited another 6 months to get his checked.

 

[Richard308]

I had one in Italy three years ago where they don't use anesthetic. It's cheaper that way...........socialized medicine ....... don't ya' know.
It hurts like Hell, especially on the sharp corners. Each time I squealed like a pig, the Doctor made an adjustment of some kind and kept on going for all 17,000 feet. But at least he didn't puncture my intestine and kill or paralyze me for life, a result that is much more common than most people realize. Cancer is dangerous, but so is the butt probe procedure. I got a clean bill of health, but that was my last experience with the camera snake, I can guarantee you that.

I think they shoot air up your butt when they hit the turn. Mine was preformed by an intern and I didn't even know it. I had a friend that died from being punctured.

 

[mousegunner]

Had 3 done so far. Last time I was laying on my side, closed my eyes, opened them and asked "when do I get the sleepy juice" the nurse said "we're done"! In recovery a 90 pound grandma passed gas that had me beat in volume and length of time!

 

[SSL]

Near as I can decipher the Oxford study data, deaths from punctured colons because of endoscope procedures are less than 1%.

Death from undiagnosed colon cancer is 100%.

Make your own choice.

 

[wkdickinson]

I'll be there Friday morning. I feel like a frightened young virgin before senior prom.

Next Wednesday for me, I am on the 3 year plan. I can hardly wait!

 

[JTEX]

Just did it.

They new clean out procedure is MUCH better than the old one!!!!

This time I didn't have to drink two friggen gallons of crap that tasted like dish water.....

Piece of cake!

 

[Cecil S.]

Need this done . Not looking forward to this.

 

[wedgy]

I don't remember anything because I thought I was knocked out butt apparently the drug propofol (?) I think erases your short term memory but you are still conscious. They told me I was singing and was very funny.... I will never know unless I see it on youtube. Same thing when you get KO'd or choked/submitted... you wake up and ask if I won. It really wasn't nearly as bad as everyone described it, took a few days for my stomach to get back to normal and lost a few pounds. No pain or soreness of any type.
Good luck !

 

[ronsatspokane]

Need this done . Not looking forward to this.

Think of it as a new age colon cleansing. People pay good money for that treatment. Mostly Hollywood people and hipsters. We all know why. They are full of it.

 

[ronsatspokane]

I don't remember anything because I thought I was knocked out butt apparently the drug propofol (?) I think erases your short term memory but you are still conscious. They told me I was singing and was very funny.... I will never know unless I see it on youtube. Same thing when you get KO'd or choked/submitted... you wake up and ask if I won. It really wasn't nearly as bad as everyone described it, took a few days for my stomach to get back to normal and lost a few pounds. Np pain or soreness of any type.
Good luck !

Was the song you were singing Moon River?

 

[mauser284]

My wife, mom and dad have all had them. I remember before they had Moviprep or the pills they just had those Lemon-Lime Glass bottles of magnesium citrate that every pharmacy had. Tasted like liquid aluminum foil. I had to taste some of mom's once.

 

[Twicepop]

My wife, mom and dad have all had them. I remember before they had Moviprep or the pills they just had those Lemon-Lime Glass bottles of magnesium citrate that every pharmacy had. Tasted like liquid aluminum foil. I had to taste some of mom's once.

Like salty liquid aluminum foil.

 

[snakepit]

No, but at my age, I probably won't be around for another in 10 years.

At my age I also might not be around for 10 years but I will do what ever is necessary to squeeze out another year.