Warped sense of humor

[dsandfort]

Some humor, some funny, some amusing. I think I prefer actual jokes over cartoons. There are some good one though. Warped seems to be lacking. So here goes warped.

Fellow walks up to the pharmacy counter and asks the Pharmacist if these condoms are appropriate for a 12-year-old.
Pharmacist says " good Lord man, you have a sexually active 12-year-old?"
Fellow says "Not at all. She's exactly like her mother, just lays there."

 

[Pwc]

more sick than warped.....

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.

 

[KMart]

View attachment 1119206

This guy will become a millionaire in Washington DC

 

[338 Mollett]

I went to Lowes to buy a toilet,I told the lady working that area I wanted the one that says on the box it will flush 15 golf balls cause the most I have passed was 6.

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?


Of course, child.


What may I do for you?


Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.


It is unopened, but its well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.


Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?


Hide it under your robes perhaps?


I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.


With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.


The official asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?


From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.


The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?


I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,

but which is, to date, unused.


Roaring with laughter, the official said, go ahead, Father.


Next please!

 

[Nowhere Man]

 

[Stepsjframe]

 

[Stepsjframe]

 

[Stepsjframe]

 

[Cloudrepair]

Has anyone ever had that annoying buzzer that goes off when you leave the keys in the ignition, leave the lights on, have the door ajar, or don't buckle up break and go silent?
Me neither.

I have and I thought it finally died and then it started up again after a couple days

 

[CarlP]

I grew up near Cincinnati and it seemed that whenever there was a shooting, it happened in the West End.
Whenever I go back there I always make sure to protect my west end.

One of my coworkers always says,” We like to start the day off kind of slow and then taper off from there”.

 

[TAJ45]

Lou has their "West end" also Carl.
I made a delivery in that area a couple of years back and asked the guard in the small business fenced compound if what I had heard was true.
"Oh, we've had 4 bodies in abt 2 yrs in a 2 block radius"......kinda been slow." :-/

 

[blackwidowp61]

I went to Lowes to buy a toilet,I told the lady working that area I wanted the one that says on the box it will flush 15 golf balls cause the most I have passed was 6.

New way to clean your balls?? Do you swallow them or suppository? Don't play the game myself thank goodness!

 

[Pwc]

New way to clean your balls?? Do you swallow them or suppository? Don't play the game myself thank goodness!

Did you ever eat C rations for more than 3 days? If so, you understand his "golf ball" comment.

 

[PDS]

In Viet-Nam the malaria pills seemed to counter the golf ball effect of the C-rats. The newer MRE's carry on the great tradition of plugging you up. It might be a government design to prevent the squirts.

 

[Bc'z]

In Viet-Nam the malaria pills seemed to counter the golf ball effect of the C-rats. The newer MRE's carry on the great tradition of plugging you up. It might be a government design to prevent the squirts.

Saves on toilet paper.
Remember unfold 1 leaflet of paper...
Tear out lil hole in center...
Insert middle finger in hole....
Insert finger in butt....
Remove finger from butt...
With other hand grab toilet paper from clean side and squeeze it around dirty finger so as when you pull paper it wipes said finger clean.

 

[KMart]

Old news but still entirely correct.

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end"

 

[TAJ45]

Saves on toilet paper.
Remember unfold 1 leaflet of paper...
Tear out lil hole in center...
Insert middle finger in hole....
Insert finger in butt....
Remove finger from butt...
With other hand grab toilet paper from clean side and squeeze it around dirty finger so as when you pull paper it wipes said finger clean.

Annnnd.... my Dad, a WWII ET combat engineer, told me the above but with one additional efficiency of design process.
The little center section that was removed?
Fold that a time or two and use to remove the accumulation from under the fingernail. ;-))

 

[Danoh]

Always heard that referred to as “Redneck TP”