Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
- Start date
- Status
It's a wash. When you rent, sometimes the one you like is not available and the price generally goes up; you never get one on sale, and if you do, you get what you pay for. It's expensive to look in areas where rentals might be available. Sometimes they stick you for damage caused by someone else. Sometimes you get one that is flat out nuts.
How do you tell a Pollock joke with out offending anyone today?
MikeT49
Gold $$ Contributor
I'll try that. The Irish and the Polish are playing a football game. The whistle on the factory a block away blows. The Irish thinking the game is over, leave the field. Three plays later, the Polish team scores.
Comedy is usually a tough room until the genius is recognized for most writers and stand ups starting. Bill Engvall had a tough start but stuck it out and does alright nowadays and it’s fun honest testimony. I have a couple friends that hated my blonde jokes but I’m a natural blonde also and now they love them and enjoy the experience of it. We live in a tough world with little room or tolerance for people trying to enjoy life. I’m enjoying the rare company of the alternative we have going. I try to avoid politics and religion but not anything else. Lol
I used to tell my friends that going to a strip club was like going to a car dealership. You want to see the newer models, high speed and low drag, flashy, lots of bling and tight curves. In the end you go home with the older model, not as tight, not as smooth, runs noisy and rough sometimes but it's still a good ride. Just don't think of taking the newer models for a test drive cause it could get expensive.
Legionnaire
Silver $$ Contributor
Three times a joke is funny:
1. The first time you hear it ...
2. The first time you tell it ...
3. When the blonde gets it.
1. The first time you hear it ...
2. The first time you tell it ...
3. When the blonde gets it.
I went to the Doctor today for my yearly check up.He said I had to quit masturbating .I asked "Why am I going blind " No so I can finish the examination !
47WillysGuy
Gold $$ Contributor
MORE BUMBER STICKERS
I drive like this to piss you off!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today.
I have no desire for money… its stuff that I want.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tires?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I know...I know...pull over
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
I left the womb for this?
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals - they taste great!
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love my country but fear my government.
I love my job...shoot me now!
I love uranus.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!!
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
I must hurry, for there they go and I am their leader.
I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I see dumb people.
I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
i souport publik edekasion
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I swerve for cats.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I drive like this to piss you off!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today.
I have no desire for money… its stuff that I want.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tires?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I know...I know...pull over
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
I left the womb for this?
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals - they taste great!
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love my country but fear my government.
I love my job...shoot me now!
I love uranus.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!!
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
I must hurry, for there they go and I am their leader.
I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I see dumb people.
I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
i souport publik edekasion
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I swerve for cats.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
MikeT49
Gold $$ Contributor
Sea story, this is a no sheeter. Back when I was in Uncle Sam's Canoe Club (USN) we as low life scum bag enlisted blue guys took great pleasure in messing with junior KKMFs. (KK is khaki klad) For the rest of the acronyms you are on your own. We're in drydock, refueling overhaul. I'm on watch in the EOS, Jack is the junior KKMF, a jg, he's the EOS (MFWIC). The boys are out in the engine room making popcorn as it's midrats time. So PO Smith appears in the window for viewing the main engine from the EOS smilin', munching on popcorn. Jack bit. Gets on the 1MC: "Petty Officer Smith, come to EOS, and don't come empty handed". Bad choice of words. PO Smith, appears at the EOS door, not empty handed shall we say. "Reporting to EOS Sir, what do you want me to do with this?
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I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
I WANT YOU to stay far away from me
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
I wish I were a glow worm … a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.
I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'd rather be a failure at something I love, than a success at something i hate.
I'd rather be fishing!
Idiots surround me!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff.
If life's an idiot then you must the god.
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site...
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
I WANT YOU to stay far away from me
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
I wish I were a glow worm … a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.
I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'd rather be a failure at something I love, than a success at something i hate.
I'd rather be fishing!
Idiots surround me!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff.
If life's an idiot then you must the god.
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site...
If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.
If you can read this the bitch fell off.
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this, roll me over.
If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
If you can read this, you were hooked on phonics once...
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE!
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you get any closer I'll fart!
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.
If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RESUSCITATE ME" on your chest!!!
If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
I'll not stop
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm feeling uppity
I'm leaving my body to science fiction
I'm looking forward to regretting this!
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Im not tailgating I'm just trying to keep my bumper on.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.
If you can read this the bitch fell off.
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this, roll me over.
If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
If you can read this, you were hooked on phonics once...
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE!
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you get any closer I'll fart!
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.
If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RESUSCITATE ME" on your chest!!!
If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
I'll not stop
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm feeling uppity
I'm leaving my body to science fiction
I'm looking forward to regretting this!
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Im not tailgating I'm just trying to keep my bumper on.
I'm not your monkey
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm only here to ANNOY YOU!!
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I'm with the band.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In theory, everything works.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It’s been one of those days all week
It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
It's a wonderful life.... With me.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Its always too early to quit.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been Monday all week.
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
I've forgotten more than I've ever learned
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
I've upped my standards, now up yours!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.
Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
Join the IRS (Be audit you can be)
Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm only here to ANNOY YOU!!
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I'm with the band.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In theory, everything works.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It’s been one of those days all week
It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
It's a wonderful life.... With me.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Its always too early to quit.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been Monday all week.
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
I've forgotten more than I've ever learned
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
I've upped my standards, now up yours!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.
Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
Join the IRS (Be audit you can be)
Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Last edited:
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