Warped sense of humor

[blackwidowp61]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.

'We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week...You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said 'That's once a day, YOU could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.

 

[blackwidowp61]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

 

[Nowhere Man]

 

[blackwidowp61]

Walt Disney didn't die, he's in suspended animation.

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[blackwidowp61]

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.

 

[47WillysGuy]

 

[Nick Caprinolo]

At my funeral I want someone to take the floral arrangement from my coffin and toss it over their head and shout your next.

 

[1lnbrdg]

View attachment 1116518

You'd think that bird would wise up and quit flying into his hand.

 

[47WillysGuy]

 

[rardoin]

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.

-George Carlin

 

[Immike]

 

[dave@aDave]

All natural African laxative

 

[USMCDOC]

You'd think that bird would wise up and quit flying into his hand.

 

[GotRDid]

GotRDid.