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Tasers work...I know

dickn52

.... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

"Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return."
 
Thats a pretty good one...... I like this story also.....


We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big-wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap & pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘D*mn,’ I think as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee and with my balls on my chest I think ’Oh God, please die… pleeeeze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created…

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
Poop & pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
My left eye will not open.
My right eye will not close.
The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
 
Derek, Glad i am not shooting on the bench next to you this year. Smells better shooting next to Tom
Lonnie
 
dickn52,
Next time you feel the urge to play, PLEASE make a video of your experience so everyone can sit back and watch the effects of one nasty SOB device and learn the proper methods of dislodging it (unless of course you get darted and then ur screwed). Years ago when I was still working, I recall the agency passing out one of those BEASTS to all the officers and each of us had the opportunity to "feel" the effects. I can state that is something you never want to feel again. But then I also recall an incident a short time later when a combative sucker was introduced to "less lethal force." Only problem was I was still in contact with the struggling offender and guess who got to feel round 2 of a zappin? Personally, I would much rather do the CS gas route (been there several times as well) and the masochists (no not you dickn52) can keep the Tasers.

Alex
 
It's called "Ride the Train", for over 12+yrs, about once a month, I got the enjoyment of "Riddin the train", I was a certified Instructor for the Tazer and OC spray, among other things, for a large State Dept of Corrections prison.

I can tell you you DON'T get used to it, never. Now that I am retired, I sure don't miss it, OH the reason I got to ride the train once a month................. when I conducted the monthly training, I'd put every students name in the hat and at the end of the class, that student got to watch the instructors do "Funky Chicken" "Riddin the train", which only lasted a couple of seconds, but felt like a life time. :o

And if you are the Well muscled type, you really get to ride the train, works better on those guys, than a slim bulit types. I have seen 1 time, a combative subject actually pull the darts out while "Riddin the train" and had to be OC'd and tazered the second time around, before complying to commands.

Between the two, I'd take the OC every time.......... it will wear off in a short time, not so with the train, you ache for hours afterwards.

Tia,
Don
 
Never got tazered myself,but my younger brother likes whiskey. He and some of his buddies were drinking one night at his house after hours of partying a fight broke out between him and one of his drinking buddies. Well not soon after the cops roll in, my brother not being the smart one decides he's making a run for it...in his boxers,drunk,about 3 a.m. He made it about half a block before being tackled by a couple police officers,while he was wrestling around on the ground he said he distincly heard this loud...POP,POP,POP and then it hit him. ;D He said despite being totally smashed and not remembering too much he remembered the shock and pain from the tazer. One of his buddies said he could he him screaming for help and yelling the were trying to kill him....lol


Now I have been bit by an electric fence. I seen a coyote out in the hay field and snuck into the feed lot to get a shot,I laid my rifle down on the bipod close to the fence,got the dog in my sights and raised the muzzle to get the crosshair on him. I got my finger on the trigger while following him across the field, about the time I was goona shoot...bam,bam,bam I got pounded through my arms,face...pretty much my whole body...I failed to notice the muzzle was just under the bottom hot wire and I raise it right up into it. Coyote missed! That crap hurt all day long. Now I stay plenty far back from fences
 
See the tag line at the bottom..... 27 years of that stuff. Only time a stun gun ever worked out for me was when my old LT grabbed my mirror and I hit the control arm inside my cruiser with it. He still swears my car has a short in it someplace. God I do not miss it at all now.
 
This did not happen to me, but an account from another person.

You’ve been scheduled for your first colonoscopy and you’re nervous and filled with lots of questions. Well, this should clear up any myths and misgivings you may have! Many people, just like you, feel that the procedure is embarrassing and humiliating. The truth is, it is. Many people are not the same afterwards, but that’s for later.

48 hours before your procedure, you’ll be forbidden to eat any solid food, just water, tea and maybe a little Jell-O. There’s a good reason for this. Remember your feeling of humiliation? It will be worse if you soil yourself, in front of the doctor and the 6 technicians who’ll be present.

Just prior to leaving the house, you’ll need to take at least two enemas, to make sure nothing left in the bowels. A spouse or a close friend can help you with this. Some people have hired a stranger, usually from a shelter or rehab, hoping they never see this person again. This is your decision.

As you drive to the office, there may be some seepage from the enema(s). Sit on a newspaper or disposable towel. Wear black polyester slacks so the staining cannot be seen as you walk in. Upon arrival, notice that everyone there has them on! You’re not alone in this!

You’ll be brought into a dressing room were you disrobe and put on a robe. It probably won’t fit, but, no matter, your genitals and buttocks must be exposed for the procedure anyway. If you have issues over your exposed genitals, you may pull a sock over that area until entering the examination room. Don’t draw attention to yourself by covering up with your hands and pay no attention to the laughter, it’s an icebreaker.

Once in the examination room, you’ll lay on the table on your left side. You’ll be strapped down (some people have tried to leave at this point). Your knees will be brought up to your chest, exposing your anus. Your testicles will also be exposed. Patients at this point complain about laughter in the room. Some people ask for a sedative, but only placebos, usually a Tic Tac, are given.

A technician will first test your anus for constriction reaction. This is done with an ice cube and a small fan. If the anus does not respond, alcohol swabbing of the region takes place. If the anus does not constrict at this point, the alcohol is ignited. The anus will respond at this point, regardless. This does cause a slight reddening of the skin which clears up in 3-5 weeks. The intestines are now inflated for the test. A 1” tube is inserted in the rectum, held in place by; you guessed it, anal constriction. A small inflator, not unlike a leaf blower, inflates the bowels. The technicians know when the proper PSI is reached by, A) ear wax discharge, B) nasal mucus discharge, C) tongue flapping or, D) all three.

The tube is pinched off with what looks to you like a vise grip. That’s exactly what it is. If you look over your right shoulder, you’ll see a long, black hose being unreeled behind you from a spool on the ceiling. This is actually a camera. You’ve been photographed since you’ve been in the room. Don’t you feel silly about making those faces?

The hose is sprayed with 50 weight oil (70 in the summer). With timing that only comes from practice, the vise grip is released, there’s a rush of air and the hose is forced up the tube. We’re on our way! You’ll feel it snaking through your body as it coils its way almost to your throat. There is usually an emotional reaction by you at this point. Some laugh, some cry, some just recede into a faraway place in their mind. It has been reported that this is not unlike the first night at a state penitentiary.

Technicians at this point are gathered around a TV monitor having coffee. If something suspicious is there, well, the camera has teeth on it that bites polyps right off the wall on your intestines. Jokingly, technicians call the camera Jaws. Yes, you’re right, science is amazing.

After this, the hose is slowly pulled out, through the tube, and then all that air rushes out, usually sounding somewhat like a flute, or trumpet, depending on anal constriction. People in the waiting room can hear it and they are waiting for you to come out. It is not unusual for them to applaud. Using the vise grip again, the tube is removed, sometimes with considerable force. The anus sphincter is a strong muscle and it sometimes locks up around the tube. If it cannot be pried out, the alcohol ignition technique is used again.

A technician will help you off the table and will help, for an extra charge, to get you dressed. It is not uncommon for them to demand money and/or jewelry for this service. You must have someone drive you home afterwards as you will be too distraught to drive. It is recommended you sit in the rear seat with the windows open as residual air will come out. This has caused drivers to vomit and crash. No taxi service will come to these offices.

If a few weeks, the hair will have grown back on your scrotum and the nightmares will start to subside. You’ll stop having anxiety attacks brought on by tiled rooms, garden hoses, cable television equipment and probably will start normal sexual activity with the next year or two. This procedure is repeated every 4 to five years. It’s your health that’s at stake, so mark your calendar.
 
If you buy a taser and decide to see what it feels like using yourself as the dummy, you must be a Redneck:)
 
When we were in South Africa we saw fences that are electrified razor wire.
Ouch.
That will keep people out.

Mark
 
This is a TRUE story!!!!!!!! I know, I WAS there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I said before, I worked in a NV State Prison and was a training instructor for several of our tools we use just about weekly, like the Unit 4/6 lockup and AD Seg housing, the real bad boys of the bad boys units.

We were called to do a cell extraction, seems like a certain inmate did not like the food and decided to FLOOD his cell, which in turn flooded the whole teir/level of cells, double story, top deck.

Just a little background here, to do a proper job of flooding, the first thing you do is seal around the door with what ever you can get you hands on, generally it is the blankets/sheets along with paper towels jambed into every open void to contain the water inside the cell, 6'x8'x8' high, lots of gallons of water, I'll let you figure the amount out.

Then you jamb a toothbrush handle into the push button water controls of the sink, both HOT/COLD and then then stuff a towel in the toilet and jamb the water control buttons full on, then you bust off the center overhead sprinkle head, this is a 2" line with over 80 psi, lots of water real quick!!!!!!.

In about 10-15 minutes time, you have about a couple of feet of rising water, and the cell warrior sprinkles shampoo into the water, things get REAL SLICK, Real quick.

Well, the call goes out for the SERT Team, all six guys (read Gorillas) are 6'+ and 250+ lbs, I was the small guy at 6'/200 lbs. Anytime we are called we use what is called a Nova Capture shield, 4' tall and about 36" wide, with 4 bands of 1/2" wide copper stripes glued to the Business side, looks like a BIG '"U" shaped, with 50,000 VOLTS of power stored up and ready to use.

On the rounded officer side is 2 big rubber coated "D" handles and the ON button, push to use, let off to shut off. As SOP we give the inmate a chance to back up the the bean slot (food slot) and be handcuffed and then he is escorted to the max lock up area. The water level is now about 4' deep and risin.

The cell warrior see the capture shield and decides that he don't want to ride the train, that day. As A SOP, if the capture shield in not being hand held by an officer, then it is handcuffed to the pipe railing for security, so no inmate can gain access to it, and then we have to take it away from him, NOT FUN!!!!!!.

I proceed to secure this shield to the pipe rails, and assist with securing the inmate in hand/leg irons, getting ready to transport him the the secure lock up unit.

After everything was secured and under control, and the camera guys was filming everything, so when we go to court nothing is hidden etc, I walk over to the shield and bend over the top to take the handcuffs off, and that the last thing I remember, for some time.

I was told, that I was standing there in a couple inches of water, doing the Funky Chicken dance with this BRIGHT BLUE arch dancing up one side and down the other side of me at about 60 cycles per minute. I couldn't yell scream or do nothing but the Funky Chicken dance.

Well one of the SERT team members figured out real quick what was going on, and dropped a shoulder into me while running full steam ahead, which shut off the shield.

I came to a few seconds latter, lying in cold water wondering W.......T........H......... had happened, seems like when I bent over the shield, the ON button was in the right place to be turned ON by one of the pipe rails, so when I leaned over, guess what, OMG what a ride!!!!!!!I did not know this then, but I DO know it now.

We now secure this shield hanging off the tier pipes, so we don't have to lean over to unlock it, to this day I still have a buzzing tingly feeling on the bottoms of my feet when I take a shower!!!!!.. :o

I HATE electrical things.

Tia,
Don
 
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