Hmm.....didn't think about that, but you are right... that IS how "they" see the world
Warped sense of humor
- Thread starter Ringostar
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Hmm.....didn't think about that, but you are right... that IS how "they" see the world
Yes, keep bringing the Clint, said 6 shots, or maybe it was only 5?
JayHHI6818
Silver $$ Contributor
When you live outside the city limits you usually have a septic system which needs to be pumped out about every five years. It's a pretty big business and requires a special "Pumper Truck"... This one gets a lot of return business... local guy with a sense of humor…..getting a lot of business these days……
jds holler
Gold $$ Contributor
A local zoo was home to a large female orangutan, which had developed disturbing and scary behavior. A wildlife biologist determined that she was sexually deprived and needed to be serviced by a mate.
A search of the surrounding area found no mating candidates and the board of zoo managers was having a meeting concerning the problem. One of the directors half jokingly suggested they try to get the lanky Texan grounds keeper who was known to all to be heavy on brawn and light on brains. "Let's see if we could pay Buford to make love to that ape. She's near as good lookin as most of his girlfriends!"
The General Manager was at the end of his rope, and said, "Call him in, I'm ready to try anything."
Buford showed up a few minutes later, looking dirty, dumb, and somewhat dangerous. He looked suspiciously at the gathered board members, but remained silent.
The General Manager bluntly broke the silence. "Buford, that crazy orangutan is gonna kill someone if we don't get her serviced. What do ya say if for three hundred bucks, you get busy with her and iron out her damned personality problems."
A light seemed to come on in Buford's eyes, and he said, "Well boss, I do kind of have a way with wimmin, and I reckon I'll give her a go. Only thing is, at three hunnert bucks a pop, I don't think I can afford to do her more than a couple times a month."
jd
A search of the surrounding area found no mating candidates and the board of zoo managers was having a meeting concerning the problem. One of the directors half jokingly suggested they try to get the lanky Texan grounds keeper who was known to all to be heavy on brawn and light on brains. "Let's see if we could pay Buford to make love to that ape. She's near as good lookin as most of his girlfriends!"
The General Manager was at the end of his rope, and said, "Call him in, I'm ready to try anything."
Buford showed up a few minutes later, looking dirty, dumb, and somewhat dangerous. He looked suspiciously at the gathered board members, but remained silent.
The General Manager bluntly broke the silence. "Buford, that crazy orangutan is gonna kill someone if we don't get her serviced. What do ya say if for three hundred bucks, you get busy with her and iron out her damned personality problems."
A light seemed to come on in Buford's eyes, and he said, "Well boss, I do kind of have a way with wimmin, and I reckon I'll give her a go. Only thing is, at three hunnert bucks a pop, I don't think I can afford to do her more than a couple times a month."
jd
R.Morehouse
Gold $$ Contributor
How Can You Tell When You Have Become An Old GEEZER ?.................When You Sit On The Throne & The Boy's Hit The Water...........
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JayHHI6818
Silver $$ Contributor
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.
Womanspeak....vs.... English
Womanspeak = converted to English
--You want = You want
--We need = I want
--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
--We need to talk = I need to complain
--Sure... go ahead = See “Do what you want”.
--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
--You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
--I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
--Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.
--The car is empty = Go fill it up
--The trash is full = Take it out
--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong
--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
--I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
--Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful or else.
--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
--Please walk me home = Let's go make out.
--It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.
--Yes = No
--No = No
--Maybe = No
--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
--Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
--Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
--I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
In response to "What's Wrong?":
--The same old thing. = Nothing.
--Nothing. = Everything.
--Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
--Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.
--I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
--What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.
THE RULES
The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
Womanspeak = converted to English
--You want = You want
--We need = I want
--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
--We need to talk = I need to complain
--Sure... go ahead = See “Do what you want”.
--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
--You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
--I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
--Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.
--The car is empty = Go fill it up
--The trash is full = Take it out
--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong
--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
--I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
--Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful or else.
--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
--Please walk me home = Let's go make out.
--It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.
--Yes = No
--No = No
--Maybe = No
--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
--Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
--Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
--I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
In response to "What's Wrong?":
--The same old thing. = Nothing.
--Nothing. = Everything.
--Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
--Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.
--I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
--What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.
THE RULES
The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
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