Warped sense of humor

Discussion in 'Main Message Board' started by Ringostar, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. Bc'z

    Bc'z Gold $$ Contributor

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  2. Immike

    Immike Gold $$ Contributor

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  3. USMCDOC

    USMCDOC

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    :D
     
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  4. 6ShotsOr5?

    6ShotsOr5? Gold $$ Contributor

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    So I made an appointment at the optometrist today. They handed me a full sheet of paper with the details on it instead of just a card with the date and time. “What’s all this?”, I wondered. Under appointment type, it said “Comprehensive Encounter”. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m sure it includes stuff my insurance won’t cover. I’m taking extra ammo.
     
  5. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    Finally, I know what is wrong with me...

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to wash my car.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

    Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

    GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
    GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
    LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
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  6. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    Over Sixties One-liners

    Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    No one expects you to run anywhere.

    People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

    People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    Things you buy now won't wear out.

    You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

    You can live without sex but not without glasses.

    You enjoy hearing about other peoples’ operations.

    You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

    You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    Your eyes won't get much worse.

    Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

    Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

    Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

    I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

    The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

    The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?

    He who hesitates is almost certainly right.

    If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone else in mind to blame.

    The older you get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft; today, it's called golf.

    Being 60 means you can never totally, completely trust a fart.

    Your parties never even wake up the dog, let alone the neighbors.

    It took me awhile, but I’m finally a 60-year-old senior. I wonder how much longer till graduation?

    At 60, two of the most important things in life are bowel movements and nose hair.
     
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  7. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
    • Knowing when to come in out of the rain
    • Why the early bird gets the worm
    • Life isn't always fair
    • and maybe it was my fault
    Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

    It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

    Common Sense lost the will to live as criminals received better treatment than their victims.

    Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

    Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

    He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
    1. I Know My Rights
    2. I Want It Now
    3. Someone Else Is To Blame
    4. I'm A Victim
    Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
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  8. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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  9. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    upload_2019-7-19_18-8-1.png
    Would he be talking about his wife, his daughter, his mother-in-law or the cat??
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
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  10. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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    GotRDid

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  14. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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  15. KMart

    KMart Gold $$ Contributor

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    Surely you jest. General Gaip loved Cronkites "reporting"
     
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  16. Papa Charlie

    Papa Charlie Gold $$ Contributor

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    Kitten in Bra.jpg
    Sometimes you just need to go to your safe place!
     
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  17. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    I just had to add this one to the mix.

     
  18. Papa Charlie

    Papa Charlie Gold $$ Contributor

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    This is the level of people that the Democrats are hoping for. God help us!
     
  19. JayHHI6818

    JayHHI6818

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  20. 47WillysGuy

    47WillysGuy Gold $$ Contributor

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