Warped sense of humor

Discussion in 'Main Message Board' started by Ringostar, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. jds holler

    jds holler Gold $$ Contributor

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    My wife met me at the front door the other night, and was wearing nothing but panties and high heels.

    I looked out at her and said, "Where the hell have you been??"

    jd
     
  2. MihiT

    MihiT

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    The Green Thing

    Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

    The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

    The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

    She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

    Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

    Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

    We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

    But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

    Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
     
    PRR1957, C. Nichols, Riesel and 8 others like this.
  3. MihiT

    MihiT

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    Forum-relevant. Not sure where I saw this, but glad I copied it down.

    ..."Contrary to some ad-copy, recoil pads ameliorate the effect of recoil on the shooter, but do not actually reduce recoil and are not a cure-all. We have reduced felt recoil by 53% (in print) for so many consecutive years with just recoil pads that we should be careful not to get sucked downrange by the reverse thrust generated hypothetically, if not in actuality, by the wonders of marketing"
     
    kohai133, GotRDid and blackwidowp61 like this.
  4. MihiT

    MihiT

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    *Government Pipe Specifications*

    1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

    2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

    3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

    4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

    5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site.

    N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

    6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

    7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

    8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

    9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

    10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

    11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

    12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
     
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  5. MihiT

    MihiT

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    We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.

    Please note.. These are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sport on the television. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work !
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1 . 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
    If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
    Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really .

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
     
    Cloudrepair, rckendall, SPJ and 11 others like this.
  6. USMCDOC

    USMCDOC

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  7. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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  8. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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  9. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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  10. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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  11. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
    Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
    You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
    Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
    With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
    Some people hear voices.. some see invisible people.. others have no imagination whatsoever.
    A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
    Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
    Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?
    After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
    Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
    If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
    Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
    Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
    You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
    Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
    Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
    Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
    Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
    The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
    Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
     
    dogdude, MihiT, joshb and 1 other person like this.
  12. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
    My wife was hit by a bus; the hardest part of the whole ordeal was having to learn how to drive a bus.
    Bug zappers are buzz kills.
    I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, my fingers that I can always count on, my head for staying on top of things, my nuts for always hanging in there, and my dick for standing up for me.
    I knew a man who tried devil worshiping just for the hell of it.
    A closed mind is a good thing to lose.
    A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
    A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
    A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
    A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
    "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.
    We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
    The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
    If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue. If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake.
    Where does the glue go?
    How can the cemetery raise it's burial costs and blame it on the price of living?
    Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons?
    Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
     
    dogdude, GotRDid and Bc'z like this.
  13. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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  14. USMCDOC

    USMCDOC

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  15. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    Training Program
    An Air Force pilot walks into the O'club carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, scaring the cat off his shoulder, which he chases out of the bar never to return.

    Five days later the captain returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from his last visit, interrupted bitterly, "What the hell do you want?"

    "I'd like a drink", responded the captain.

    "No way, not after your last escapade", snapped the bartender.

    "But bartender, I'm in training", replied the man.

    "Training! Training for what?", questioned the bartender.

    "I'm getting out to be an airline pilot", responded the officer.

    "An airplane pilot?", questioned the bartender, "How does what you're doing train you for that?"

    "Well", added the man, "I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy, and then I take five days off!"
     
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  16. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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  17. rardoin

    rardoin Silver $$ Contributor

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    Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.....

    Then you can say anything you want about the poor bastard as... he is a mile away from you.... and.... hey, you've got his shoes;)
     
    blackwidowp61, Mark W, Immike and 4 others like this.
  18. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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  19. Pwc

    Pwc

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    Dark is faster than light...you can hide in a dark closet and crack the door...you will see light come in but you won't see the dark leave.

    Dark is heavier than light...while diving in the ocean, the deeper you go the darker it geets, so, light floats and dark sinks.

    Wind is caused by trees and bushes...when tree and bushes leaves flutter there is always wind, and when they don't flutter there is no wind. So wind is caused by trees and bushes.
     
  20. KMart

    KMart Gold $$ Contributor

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    Perfect millennial and AOC logic. You have nailed it.
     
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