Warped sense of humor

Discussion in 'Main Message Board' started by Ringostar, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. Rube Shooter

    Rube Shooter Gold $$ Contributor

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    2 of my favorite lines from Rodney Dangerfield; so I go to the bar the other night, I ask the bartender to surprise me, he shows me a picture of my wife naked, when I was a kid I was lost on the beach, I asked the cop if we would find my parents, he replied I don't know there are so many places they can hide.
     
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  2. Bc'z

    Bc'z Gold $$ Contributor

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    This ones for you, as I laughed good at your post FB_IMG_1489967044507.jpg
     
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  3. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE:

    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
    1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


    THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1) You believe in Santa Claus.
    2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3) You are Santa Claus.
    4) You look like Santa Claus.


    SUCCESS:
    At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12 success is . . having friends.
    At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
    At age 35 success is . . having money.
    At age 50 success is . . having money.
    At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
    At age 75 success is . . having friends.
    At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
     
  4. Bc'z

    Bc'z Gold $$ Contributor

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    Sanding the roof of this vw bus today I came to the stark realization that the bigger my belly gets....
    The shorter my arms are! 20190715_170009.jpg
     
  5. McGraw

    McGraw Silver $$ Contributor

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  6. djporter

    djporter Silver $$ Contributor

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    Great guys, keep them coming!
     
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  7. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

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  8. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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    7DAFDF5E-79AF-4127-91BD-0A1EDB314D0B.jpeg
    GotRDid.
     
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  9. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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    F42D285E-C783-433C-B90A-2FE543CE1895.jpeg
    GotRDid.
     
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  10. mike a

    mike a 6BR Rocks Gold $$ Contributor

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    Teenagers sharpen there teeth on there parents bones. Mike
     
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  11. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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    FF6C7E45-8D10-44C1-9931-C8F675D7CCA2.jpeg
    GotRDid.
     
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  12. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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    4B53E05E-9777-4965-AA16-8C6D8252B2DD.jpeg
    GotRDid.
     
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  13. GotRDid

    GotRDid

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    D9F81BAD-0673-4D5C-98F1-B099F18D51D4.jpeg
    GotRDid.
     
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  14. dave@aDave

    dave@aDave Gold $$ Contributor

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    The best that I remember, this is from a NASCAR race in Nashville, Tenn. July 2011:

    NASHVILLE, Tenn (Reuters) - Pastor Joe Nelms likely had folks gathered at the NASCAR Federated Auto Parts 300 race looking around for his "smokin' hot wife," after he thanked God for her during his pre-race invocation.

    Nelms, pastor of Family Baptist Church in nearby Lebanon, Tennessee, borrowed a little bit from the film "Talladega Nights" and also from NASCAR legend Darrell Waltrip in his prayer before the weekend race.

    He thanked God for such things as "these mighty machines that you've brought before us," going on to cite the wonders of Dodges and Toyotas and Fords.

    Prayerful thanks then were directed to, among other things,

    "Sunoco Racing Fuel and Goodyear tires that bring performance and power to the track."

    But it was when he got to his family that he had fans and drivers unsuccessfully holding back laughter.

    "Lord I want to thank you for my smokin' hot wife tonight, Lisa, my two children, Eli and Emma, or as we like to call them the Little E's."

    But he wasn't done. He prayed and blessed the drivers and said, "may they put on a performance worthy of this great track."

    Then he borrowed NASCAR Hall of Famer Waltrip's trademark phrase in his closing: "In Jesus' name. Boogity, boogity, boogity. Amen."
     
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  15. mike a

    mike a 6BR Rocks Gold $$ Contributor

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    The preacher played hooky and skipped out on giving his Sunday sermon. He went fishing instead. With a guilty conscience he kept hearing something behind him. He said "Lord I'm sorry please don't let it be a bear". Just then a bear came charging out of the woods. The preacher dropped his pole and started running. As he was running he said " Lord I'm sorry Please let it be a Christian bear, please let it be a Christian bear. The bear closed in and made his final leap. In mid air the bear froze, placed his paws together and said " Lord thank you for this meal I'm about to receive. Mike
     
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  16. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
    Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
    A man needs a mistress ... just to break the monogamy.
    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
    The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway.)
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    Local Area Network in Australia: ... the LAN down under.
    A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
     
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  17. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    I live my life with no regrets. It’s one of the benefits of not being able to remember things.
    Your secrets are safe with me. I just pretend to listen.
    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
    My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
    If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
    If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
    Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
    God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
    Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
    We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
    When in doubt, mumble.
    Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
    Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
    Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
    Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
     
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  18. blackwidowp61

    blackwidowp61

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    People over 35 should be dead! Here's why...

    According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored, lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
    (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
    As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Barbaric!
    We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
    No one was able to reach us all day.
    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64s, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable (no cable), video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.
    We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
    We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
    We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
    We were disciplined by our friends' parents and neighbors too...and our parents approved.
    We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
    We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
    Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment, and try harder next time.
    Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Remember?
    Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
    Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. And there was no such thing as a “timeout.”.
    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. And if our teachers disciplined us, so did our parents! They actually sided with what was right. Imagine that!
    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
    And you're one of them!
    Congratulations!
    Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and governments TOTALLY regulate our lives, FOR OUR OWN GOOD!!!!!
     
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  19. Immike

    Immike Gold $$ Contributor

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  20. jds holler

    jds holler Gold $$ Contributor

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    I called my wife from work today and said "Baby, I'm thinking about how we did it last night and getting hot. What say, we do it again tonight."

    She replied, "Well, Maybe. Who is this??"

    jd
     
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